Sunday, April 24, 2016

It finally clicked

When all you want to hear is...I still love you.
When what you hear is...I really did love you.
Are you sad? No. You're just happy to at least hear him say I love you in any form just one more time.

I spent many hours in therapy always asking the same question...why do I still love him? Not one of the many counselors have ever been able to make me believe what they thought to be the reason. Then I reconnect with a girlfriend from back in the day. We start hanging out more. We start opening up more. We start telling our inner most secrets. We start giving advice. And then it happens. She says something to me that just clicks. She says something to me that just makes sense. She says something to me that no one else has ever said to me before.

Me: "Why do I still love him so much?"
Her: "You don't.  You love the idea of him you have created in your mind. Sure you may be physically attracted to him but you aren't in love with him. You are in love with the 'what if' and that 'what could have been' and the 'what would it be like now' scenario. That's all."

She's so right. She's so exactly right!! I was in love with him back then or at least I wanted to be. I wasn't mentally capable of being able to love anyone at the time though. I hated myself. I had to learn to love myself first. So now that I have accepted myself I think about what it would be like to date him now. Would it be different now that I'm different? That's the idea in my head that I'm in love with. I like to think yes. Absolutely yes.

When I spoke with him again he mentioned over and over again that he forgave me for everything that happened. I believed him at first because I wanted to but here's how I know that he hasn't forgiven me. I casually told him that if I find myself single again one day to let me down gently if I ask him on a date. He immediately went on the defensive and begged me not to do that. Stating over and over that we were toxic together and we wouldn't be good together and we didn't make a good couple and he wasn't willing to put himself out there again. This is how I know he didn't forgive me at all. This is how I know he didn't believe that I had become a better person.