Monday, November 23, 2015

This might be long...

So, as I find myself single again I had vowed a few things to myself. 1-I would not join a dating site. 2-I would make sure I took time for myself and didn't rush into another relationship. 3-I wouldn't date while I was still living under David's roof. Then, all of a sudden some of my past decides it wants to make an appearance. I'm still not sure why Eric contacted me. I still can't figure it out in my head if he was just looking for a quick lay and I was an easy target or if he genuinely cared enough to reach out. Some of his words were nice. None of them took me back to a place in my life I didn't want to revisit. I'm healthy and the way I handled myself throughout our simple conversations only proved that. He did have me actually thinking about him again after several years. Wondering what it would be like to date him while I was healthy. Although I've heard that he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I have no clue if he has received help for that. He may not be mentally healthy and although I'm in a good place, I certainly am not in any position to try and fix someone. He told me things I wanted/needed to hear years ago...he loved me, he forgives me, he holds no ill will. But, truly those words don't matter to me anymore. I let all that go years ago. Sure, nice to hear after all these years but not necessary for my growth. Maybe he needed to say it to work on his inner demons. I don't know. So I told him he needed to open up a little more to me, to let me in so I can at least try to be a friend to him when he reaches out and needs one. I think his parting words were...take care Jen. I assumed from that that he was not looking to pursue a friendship. But, I thought about it for a little and decided to reach out just a little. Extend an olive branch, if you will. I started to follow him on Twitter. He wasn't the only one...I did a mass following through my contacts but I did let it happen. Just as I predicted, he either went off Twitter or blocked me. He has given me the clear indication that he does not wish to pursue a friendship. With this, I had to reconcile in my head that I clearly fucked up years ago and I will continue to pay a price for it. I will never be a part of his life or his boys lives in any way, shape or form. With this piece of information, I did something I really didn't want to do, but had to come to terms with the fact that in my head I still think he was the one I was meant to be with but it will never be. I went back to David. I caved. I told him I would learn to trust him again. Learn to fall in love with him all over again. I will never have what my heart has always desired. This is the price I will pay. In order to make sure I don't fault, I have blocked his email address. He doesn't have my new number and he's either not on Facebook or I'm blocked. No communication will take place. The price I pay for my mental instability years ago.

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