Sunday, November 29, 2015
I'm feeling very alone tonight. Sometimes you just want a friend to reach out to you instead of you always being the one to reach first. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't have a best friend. I don't have anyone that knows me inside and out. I don't have anyone that I would call if I was in need of being saved. I just don't have that. I've always been friends with more guys than girls but I gave all that up years ago. I cut out the guys in my life because in the end they just all wanted to date me. I wanted friends, not people who pretended to be my friend until I became single then wanted more. I did have a best friend but sadly I lost her to my divorce. Since her, it's been no one. Some days I'm fine with it because it eliminates drama but some days like today I wish I was surrounded by a ton of people I call friends. I will always extend myself to people and tell them they can reach out to me if they need a friend. I say this because it's something I don't have. One day maybe I will have what I search for.
Monday, November 23, 2015
So, as I find myself single again I had vowed a few things to myself. 1-I would not join a dating site. 2-I would make sure I took time for myself and didn't rush into another relationship. 3-I wouldn't date while I was still living under David's roof. Then, all of a sudden some of my past decides it wants to make an appearance. I'm still not sure why Eric contacted me. I still can't figure it out in my head if he was just looking for a quick lay and I was an easy target or if he genuinely cared enough to reach out. Some of his words were nice. None of them took me back to a place in my life I didn't want to revisit. I'm healthy and the way I handled myself throughout our simple conversations only proved that. He did have me actually thinking about him again after several years. Wondering what it would be like to date him while I was healthy. Although I've heard that he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I have no clue if he has received help for that. He may not be mentally healthy and although I'm in a good place, I certainly am not in any position to try and fix someone. He told me things I wanted/needed to hear years ago...he loved me, he forgives me, he holds no ill will. But, truly those words don't matter to me anymore. I let all that go years ago. Sure, nice to hear after all these years but not necessary for my growth. Maybe he needed to say it to work on his inner demons. I don't know. So I told him he needed to open up a little more to me, to let me in so I can at least try to be a friend to him when he reaches out and needs one. I think his parting words were...take care Jen. I assumed from that that he was not looking to pursue a friendship. But, I thought about it for a little and decided to reach out just a little. Extend an olive branch, if you will. I started to follow him on Twitter. He wasn't the only one...I did a mass following through my contacts but I did let it happen. Just as I predicted, he either went off Twitter or blocked me. He has given me the clear indication that he does not wish to pursue a friendship. With this, I had to reconcile in my head that I clearly fucked up years ago and I will continue to pay a price for it. I will never be a part of his life or his boys lives in any way, shape or form. With this piece of information, I did something I really didn't want to do, but had to come to terms with the fact that in my head I still think he was the one I was meant to be with but it will never be. I went back to David. I caved. I told him I would learn to trust him again. Learn to fall in love with him all over again. I will never have what my heart has always desired. This is the price I will pay. In order to make sure I don't fault, I have blocked his email address. He doesn't have my new number and he's either not on Facebook or I'm blocked. No communication will take place. The price I pay for my mental instability years ago.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
so I've got this nasty ass cold. I'm all hopped up on cold medicine. I'm in bed. All the things I had planned for this weekend went down the tubes. Friday night was supposed to be dinner, drinks, dancing and sex with you. Guess which one didn't happen. :/ I hate being sick. I hate not getting anything accomplished on the weekends. I honestly hate spending another weekend without you.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Tonight something happened to me that has never happened before. As I was in bed with a man, I called out another mans name. Eric. He pulled me across the bed like Eric would do and I said, "fuck me hard Eric." Just like that he stopped. My eyes sprung open and all I could see was the anger in his eyes. And then it happened...he hit me. He slapped me across the face and called me a fucking whore. I grabbed my shit and ran out of his place completely naked. I drove a little down the street, pulled over and got dressed. My pride hurts, my dignity hurts and my face hurts. I've never been hit by a man before. Actually I don't think I've ever been called a whore before either. This was the first man I slept with since my husband and I'm not really sure what to do or even what I'm thinking. I'm hurting in so many ways. I actually thought about calling Eric on my way home but I know that's not the right thing to do. That's not fair to him. This is not his issue. I'm broken. I feel so broken right now. I just need a friend so badly but I have no one to turn to. Tonight I will pray. I will pray that I will be led into the right direction. That I won't feel any more pain.