Thursday, October 1, 2015

Looking back

So today is day 3 of me being sick in bed. Totally sucks. I'm not a huge fan of television so I spend a lot of time reading. This morning I decided to take the time to remember just how far I have come in a short amount of time. I have a journal that I used to read once and awhile and just cry. Cry because I had fucked up something great because I couldn't get my shit together. This morning I cried again...but for a different reason. I felt bad for the people I hurt. I was so selfish by not taking my medication. I let myself go down a bad path and didn't really try to stop it. By the time I did something to turn my life around, he was gone. Telling everyone I was the devil. That used to bother me because I know I'm not that person and it bothered me what others thought about me. Now, not so much. I definitely don't give a shit about that people think of me...especially the ones that don't know me at all. But, I also realize that I was the devil. What a fucked up life I was trying to live. Being mentally healthy and loving yourself is so incredible. More than I could ever put into words. This is the first time in my life I don't feel like I need a man in my life. The first time I'm succeeding on my own. For the first time I'm going to post an entry from my journal. I've never let anyone read it. But, it hurts me to see how desperate and fucked up I was.

9/14/09
Shit, I'm struggling so bad right now. Ugh! He texted me to let me know how much he misses our kick ass sex. What fucking sucks is I miss it too! Our sex life was off the freakin charts. He said today that it was the best he has ever had. He also reminded me that he still loved me, but we destroy each other when we are together. With that being said he begged for sex. It took everything I had to say I to him, but I did. He wrote, please, please, please if you ever change your mind in that area, let me know. My reply was, please, please, please if you ever change your mind about "us", let me know.  I could never separate my feelings for him from sex, he could. So, although I really wanted to have sex with him, it would just be the start of me trying to convince him that I am the one for him. I fucking hate this. I just want to be with him so badly. This fucking sucks. I just want to be the one to make him happy and although I know I can't, it's so hard to accept. I want him to want to be with me and not just for the sex.

I WAS SO FUCKED UP. NOT A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw 'em back, till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw 'em back till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight

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