Monday, October 19, 2015

Blast from the past

9/27/2009

I'm still struggling.  I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction again.  I put myself out there on Match and Yahoo Personals.  I'm talking to a lot of guys, to keep my self esteem up and to replace Eric.  Every guy I chat with, e-mail, text or go out with is just a constant comparison to Eric.  When you've had the best, it's hard to settle for second best.  I left my marriage for one reason, to find the one.  I had it.  I had it all.  Then I pushed him away.  The last I heard from him was "Seriously, please leave me alone.  I don't care what happens in your life anymore."  He has told me that he does not love me and if I was truly sorry for what I have done then I would just leave him alone.  I'm trying to replace him, not because I want to, but because I need someone to occupy my time so I can leave him alone.  I just wish I had that one more chance.  I've since taken myself off Match and Yahoo.  I have deleted "useless" people from facebook.  I removed "useless" people from my phone.  I disconnected myself from all chats & I.M.'s  I don't want to put myself out there.  I'm not ready.  I'm still holding onto November 7th so tightly.  He said every November 7th and 7 pm he would go back to the site of our first date.  I want him to show up so badly.  The 7th is going to be the start of the rest of my life either way.  If he shows, it's going to be the happiest forever I can live.  If he doesn't show, I will have to be able to accept second best.

I can still hear him say..."Go fix yourself and then come back to me."

I wrote that over 6 years ago in my journal.  It's amazes me to go back and read it.  I was so desperate, so much wanted to be accepted.  I couldn't handle being alone.  November 7th came and went and no, he didn't show up.  I did keep my promise for a few years and went back every November 7th, he didn't.  Not that I expected him too.  This year is different.  I'm contemplating going back.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I'm just not sure.  I know that I'm loving my life right now and that I've never felt more in control of me.  It feels good to actually tell guys they can't have my number.  I've been asked out about 3 times now and it hasn't even phased me.  The old me would have given my number, but I'm so comfortable with myself it's easy for me to say no.  I don't hold any ill will towards Eric.  I was a bad person to him and myself.  I don't ever expect forgiveness.  I have forgiven myself and fixed my problems.  I do often think about "what if".  What if I was healthy when we dated?  Would we still be together, happily married by now?  Would we have children?  All these will never be answered so I shrug them off.  I just can't dwell on it.

Until one day...

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