Friday, October 30, 2015

Love/Hate

So I have this love/hate relationship with Halloween. I absolutely love it. It's my favorite "holiday."  I love seeing the costumes, seeing all the kids smiling and happy, the parents dressing up and getting to be big kids for a night. It's all so freakin awesome. Here's why I also hate Halloween. Every year I get so excited for this day. I think about a million creative costumes, I get excited to wear them, I love candy. Every year I make plans to either go to a party, host a party or just go out to a bar in costume. Every year it never happens. I have never hosted a Halloween party, I've only been to one Halloween party in my life, and I've never been out to a bar in costume. This year is no different. Two events lined up...bar with costume contest and then the Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight. Guess what...neither are happening. It's almost 7:30 and I'm already in bed. I wanted to go out so bad. I love this holiday. I hate that it's always a big disappointment in my life. I am feeling a little pissy and depressed. I'll be fine on Sunday, but it just sucks. I was excited especially for this year because my costume wasn't slutty and didn't reveal anything. I don't feel like I need to wear those types of costumes anymore. I just wanted to be fun. I had a bee costume but it was huge with a huge stinger that stuck out the back. It was hilarious. So excited and now it's in my closet with the hopes it will see the light of day next year.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Let it go...

For the past 7 years I've had such issues with my ex, John. I can't even tell you how many horrible things he has done to me. You would think I was making this shit up. Unfortunately I'm not the only one he does these things to. I've become friends with another one of his exes that actually had to press charges against him for harassment. I had decided awhile ago that I would change my phone number. I hesituated for so long because my business was attached to the number. So if I changed it, ultimately one phone number would still be public due to my phone number. So, I made the decision to close down shop just to get rid of this unwanted stress named John. I closed my business and once everything was official, I changed my phone number. I won't allow anyone to have any control over my life. He thought he could just continue to be in my life but he was wrong. He's gone. Good riddance you gigantic mistake in my life.

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore

Monday, October 19, 2015

Blast from the past

9/27/2009

I'm still struggling.  I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction again.  I put myself out there on Match and Yahoo Personals.  I'm talking to a lot of guys, to keep my self esteem up and to replace Eric.  Every guy I chat with, e-mail, text or go out with is just a constant comparison to Eric.  When you've had the best, it's hard to settle for second best.  I left my marriage for one reason, to find the one.  I had it.  I had it all.  Then I pushed him away.  The last I heard from him was "Seriously, please leave me alone.  I don't care what happens in your life anymore."  He has told me that he does not love me and if I was truly sorry for what I have done then I would just leave him alone.  I'm trying to replace him, not because I want to, but because I need someone to occupy my time so I can leave him alone.  I just wish I had that one more chance.  I've since taken myself off Match and Yahoo.  I have deleted "useless" people from facebook.  I removed "useless" people from my phone.  I disconnected myself from all chats & I.M.'s  I don't want to put myself out there.  I'm not ready.  I'm still holding onto November 7th so tightly.  He said every November 7th and 7 pm he would go back to the site of our first date.  I want him to show up so badly.  The 7th is going to be the start of the rest of my life either way.  If he shows, it's going to be the happiest forever I can live.  If he doesn't show, I will have to be able to accept second best.

I can still hear him say..."Go fix yourself and then come back to me."

I wrote that over 6 years ago in my journal.  It's amazes me to go back and read it.  I was so desperate, so much wanted to be accepted.  I couldn't handle being alone.  November 7th came and went and no, he didn't show up.  I did keep my promise for a few years and went back every November 7th, he didn't.  Not that I expected him too.  This year is different.  I'm contemplating going back.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I'm just not sure.  I know that I'm loving my life right now and that I've never felt more in control of me.  It feels good to actually tell guys they can't have my number.  I've been asked out about 3 times now and it hasn't even phased me.  The old me would have given my number, but I'm so comfortable with myself it's easy for me to say no.  I don't hold any ill will towards Eric.  I was a bad person to him and myself.  I don't ever expect forgiveness.  I have forgiven myself and fixed my problems.  I do often think about "what if".  What if I was healthy when we dated?  Would we still be together, happily married by now?  Would we have children?  All these will never be answered so I shrug them off.  I just can't dwell on it.

Until one day...

Monday, October 12, 2015

What makes a person beautiful

With every new chapter of my life I have always changed up my hair. This one is no different. I look like an 80's skater chick or a rocker chick. Half my head is shaved and the other half is long. It's freakin awesome if you ask me. Literally 30 seconds to dry and style my hair this morning. Loving it!! So today I went to work and some loved it, some didn't, and that's ok. It doesn't bother me. But I was on the floor and a regular customer came up to me and said this:

84 year old woman: Why did you cut off your hair? You were so beautiful. You have a beautiful face, why would you do that?
Me: I was tired of pushing it behind my ear all the time so I just got it shaved off.
Woman: Oh no! What will the men think?
Me: Well, I don't really care what they think about my hair.
Woman: Your face is so beautiful, you need to grow your hair long and put it up in a bun so everyone can see your beauty.
Me: Awww. Well thank you. I guess I could let it grow out.

I'm still the same beautiful person I was Saturday morning before I got it cut. Do people seriously think a woman's beauty is made by her hair or how attractive she is to men? Get the fuck over yourself. I'm not concerned about a finding a man that thinks I'm beautiful even with this haircut. I'm about finding a man that thinks I'm beautiful even if I had no hair. I am a beautiful person and I don't need long hair to prove it.

Friday, October 9, 2015

THE WORST

Absolutely, 100%, by far the worst thing about being single is in the bedroom. Not only the sex but someone to snuggle with, to sleep with, to wake up smiling with. Right now it's more about the sex though. I'm not in the mood to make love, I need to fuck. I'm talking about being pinned against the wall, in the shower with the water running over us, across a table. You can't get those things from battery operated toys. I don't want to hear I Love You. I want to hear Fuck Me Harder. Lord almighty...it's gonna be a long weekend.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Looking back

So today is day 3 of me being sick in bed. Totally sucks. I'm not a huge fan of television so I spend a lot of time reading. This morning I decided to take the time to remember just how far I have come in a short amount of time. I have a journal that I used to read once and awhile and just cry. Cry because I had fucked up something great because I couldn't get my shit together. This morning I cried again...but for a different reason. I felt bad for the people I hurt. I was so selfish by not taking my medication. I let myself go down a bad path and didn't really try to stop it. By the time I did something to turn my life around, he was gone. Telling everyone I was the devil. That used to bother me because I know I'm not that person and it bothered me what others thought about me. Now, not so much. I definitely don't give a shit about that people think of me...especially the ones that don't know me at all. But, I also realize that I was the devil. What a fucked up life I was trying to live. Being mentally healthy and loving yourself is so incredible. More than I could ever put into words. This is the first time in my life I don't feel like I need a man in my life. The first time I'm succeeding on my own. For the first time I'm going to post an entry from my journal. I've never let anyone read it. But, it hurts me to see how desperate and fucked up I was.

9/14/09
Shit, I'm struggling so bad right now. Ugh! He texted me to let me know how much he misses our kick ass sex. What fucking sucks is I miss it too! Our sex life was off the freakin charts. He said today that it was the best he has ever had. He also reminded me that he still loved me, but we destroy each other when we are together. With that being said he begged for sex. It took everything I had to say I to him, but I did. He wrote, please, please, please if you ever change your mind in that area, let me know. My reply was, please, please, please if you ever change your mind about "us", let me know.  I could never separate my feelings for him from sex, he could. So, although I really wanted to have sex with him, it would just be the start of me trying to convince him that I am the one for him. I fucking hate this. I just want to be with him so badly. This fucking sucks. I just want to be the one to make him happy and although I know I can't, it's so hard to accept. I want him to want to be with me and not just for the sex.

I WAS SO FUCKED UP. NOT A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw 'em back, till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw 'em back till I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight