Thursday, August 20, 2015

What I need. What I want.

Here's what I need right now. A friend. Someone I can just talk to. Not bitch to or vent to or receive advice from. Just a friend to watch a movie with or share a drink with. I need to tell stories and laugh. I also need to get laid but I'm not turning into that girl again. I just want someone to smile and laugh with.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Fool me once...

So what do you do when you receive this text:


Here's what you do....
1. Get more information
2. Confront the husband
3. Cry
4. Pack your shit up and head on out

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

I have way too much respect for myself and self confidence to let someone think they can do this to me.  Since I've left this is what has shocked me the most...the fact that I cried more when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me than this.  After I split from my first husband and dated a total d-bag that screwed me over, I was a total disaster.  I was so fucked up in my head.  It was a bad time for me.  Things are so incredibly different this time.  I'm strong, confident and know that I am worth so much more than this.  If I am giving 110% to a relationship, I expect the same in return.  If I'm not everything you need than I don't want to be anything to you.

I know this time that I will be perfectly fine.  This time I'm actually somewhat excited to date again.  I saw it as such a waste of time and pain in the ass last time but this time I'm excited to get to know someone, learn all about them, engage in new conversations, make new memories, laugh, get to know a new family...

I think I will probably end up back on match but this time I'm doing things much differently.  This time it's going to be slow and steady, one at a time.  I'm not going to juggle conversations with different guys.  I'm going to decide on one and focus on that one and if it doesn't work out, then I will move on.  I will be honest and open.  I will be completely myself.  I will know that I may get hurt again.  I will accept that I'm not going to be liked by everyone.  I will be ok.  Shit...I know I'm going to be better than ok.

I know this was all karma for my past so...well fucking played karma.  Totally didn't see this one coming AT ALL.  I'm a great person, great friend, great wife, great parent, great lover.  So, why?  Why did he do it?  I asked because I needed to know if I need to change something for the better.  Best response ever!!!!  You shaved your head and when your hair was growing back, I didn't like it.  I couldn't pull it, run my fingers through it and it was just unattractive.  Yes, people...this is the reason he cheated on me.  Hey! Asshat! I raised funds for childhood cancer and shaved my head.  I knew going into it that it would look like shit growing back in.  Who the fuck cares? It's fucking hair.  Seriously thinking about shaving my head again just to show him his reason was bogus.

He's cheated on me before but I was determined to put it behind me, move on and forgive.  I was obviously too forgiving.  I'm happy to say that this hasn't changed me though.  I know this didn't work because it wasn't meant to be.  I'm ok with this.  I'm 42 and feel the best physically and mentally that I ever have.  I'm ready and excited for a new adventure.  I will survive.

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
 
Caution when it comes to love
 
I did, I did
 

 

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
 
I was careless, I forgot
 
I did
 

 

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
 
You have gone and so effortlessly
 
You have won
 
You can go ahead tell them
 

 

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
 
Write it on the sky line
 
All we had is gone now
 


Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
 
All my scars are open
 
Tell them what I hoped would be
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 


Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
 
Broken trust and broken hearts
 
I know, I know
 


Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
 
Empty promises will wear
 
I know, I know
 


And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
 
And if you're done with embarrassing me
 
On your own you can go ahead tell them
 


Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
 
Write it on the sky line
 
All we had is gone now
 


Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
 
All my scars are open
 
Tell them what I hoped would be
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible!
 
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)
 


I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
 
Caution when it comes to love
 
I did
 


Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
 
Write it on the sky line
 
All we had is gone now
 


Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
 
All my scars are open
 
Tell them what I hoped would be
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 
Impossible, impossible
 

 

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
 
Caution when it comes to love
 
I did...

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Happy Birthday

Not a text or a call. Not a card or an email. I waited all day staring at my phone waiting for something from you telling me you were thinking of me on my birthday. Nothing. Did you really not give a shit about me anymore? I needed to feel wanted, especially tonight. It would just be sex. The feelings wouldn't be there. 5 minutes was all I got. No aftershocks. I wasn't even out of breath. I could have gotten up and ran a mile. I wanted to fuck. I wanted 4 hours of fucking, of being drug a crossed the bed, of fucking in every position we could think of. I wanted it up against the wall. I wanted it on the floor. I wanted it on the counter. It was my fucking birthday! I needed you to wash away the loneliness even if it was just for one night. After the 5 minutes of "sex", I walked into your bathroom, sat down, gave you the finger and cried. Another failed attempt to replace you. Another failed attempt to forget you. Another failed birthday.