Sunday, December 14, 2014

Change

Change is a word that I can definitely relate to. My personality has changed so much over the last 10 years that people have noticed. When I was married I played the good wife role. I balanced the check book, I took care of the kids, I went through each day...not really living, just going through the motions. Then I decided I didn't want to just go through the motions anymore...I want to live each day. I got divorced and shocked the hell out of everyone that knew me. I did some counseling to help me deal with my sex issue that took place when I was a teenager and set out to live a FULL life. Unfortunately I made a huge life mistake. I went off my antidepressants. I felt like I wanted to live without being medicated. I didn't go off my meds completely just cut them in half. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this...in fact I lied and told everyone I was fine. The incorrect dosage of my meds and a crappy first boyfriend led to some really tough times for me. I literally turned into someone I didn't even recognize in the mirror. I was ugly...inside and out. I gained weight, I lied, I seemed to have one emotion...crying. Even when shit went down on that airplane and I started serious counseling, I still held off on taking all my meds. It wasn't until about Septembet/October that I did some counseling to deal with my divorce and what was really going on inside. I realized that meds was just something I needed in my life. I'm not ashamed of it now. For the first time in my life I finally feel like the person I want to be. I always said I wanted to be who I was years ago when I was first married but I was wrong. I'm so much different now and I know it's who I'm supposed to be. I'm fun, I'm open, I'm  honest, I'm sexual, I'm beautiful, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm happy, I'm living. I'm wearing the clothes I want to wear, I've shaved my head bald for my daughter, I'm getting tattooed, I'm getting pierced, and I'm just living. Smiling instead of crying. Laughing instead of lying. I thank God everyday for allowing me to realize my faults, change them and accept them. I thank God everyday for the medication I am on. I'm not a good person without them and I've hurt people in my life when I gave them up. But, I can't change that...I can only forgive myself and move forward. 

"Change"

And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again and
You know it’s all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it
But I believe in whatever you do
And I’ll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah

So we’ve been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair
We’re getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we’re faster and never scared
You can walk away, say we don’t need this
But there’s something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees
Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives
But we’ll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah
Hallelujah
~Taylor Swift 

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