Sunday, December 14, 2014
Change is a word that I can definitely relate to. My personality has changed so much over the last 10 years that people have noticed. When I was married I played the good wife role. I balanced the check book, I took care of the kids, I went through each day...not really living, just going through the motions. Then I decided I didn't want to just go through the motions anymore...I want to live each day. I got divorced and shocked the hell out of everyone that knew me. I did some counseling to help me deal with my sex issue that took place when I was a teenager and set out to live a FULL life. Unfortunately I made a huge life mistake. I went off my antidepressants. I felt like I wanted to live without being medicated. I didn't go off my meds completely just cut them in half. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this...in fact I lied and told everyone I was fine. The incorrect dosage of my meds and a crappy first boyfriend led to some really tough times for me. I literally turned into someone I didn't even recognize in the mirror. I was ugly...inside and out. I gained weight, I lied, I seemed to have one emotion...crying. Even when shit went down on that airplane and I started serious counseling, I still held off on taking all my meds. It wasn't until about Septembet/October that I did some counseling to deal with my divorce and what was really going on inside. I realized that meds was just something I needed in my life. I'm not ashamed of it now. For the first time in my life I finally feel like the person I want to be. I always said I wanted to be who I was years ago when I was first married but I was wrong. I'm so much different now and I know it's who I'm supposed to be. I'm fun, I'm open, I'm honest, I'm sexual, I'm beautiful, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm happy, I'm living. I'm wearing the clothes I want to wear, I've shaved my head bald for my daughter, I'm getting tattooed, I'm getting pierced, and I'm just living. Smiling instead of crying. Laughing instead of lying. I thank God everyday for allowing me to realize my faults, change them and accept them. I thank God everyday for the medication I am on. I'm not a good person without them and I've hurt people in my life when I gave them up. But, I can't change that...I can only forgive myself and move forward.