Sunday, November 30, 2014

Memories

I remember how it all played out. I got the call that my dad was heading to Philadelphia to say his final goodbyes to his mother, my mom-mom. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come get the kids then I would go pick up my mother so we could head to the hospital. When I arrived at my parents house my mother informed me that she had gotten the call that my grandmother had passed. We didn't have any way of reaching my dad since he was en route there. Driving to that hospital was horrible. So many emotions. Knowing that my dad was going to arrive at the hospital too late. Knowing that he would walk into the hospital room not knowing she was already gone. My mom and I talked in the car without any issues. I filled her in on my never ending battle to win back my ex (an ex she didn't approve of). For the first time she actually seemed happy for me when I told her we were going to give it one more shot. When we arrived at the hospital my dad was nowhere to be found. We walked into my grandmothers room and saw her. I wish I didn't see her that way. She looked completely different. She didn't look like the strong, beautiful woman that I always strived to be like. We didn't stay very long after saying our last words. We headed to her apartment where we found my dad. We spent the night at her apartment because in the morning we would need to start going through her things. My parents slept in her bed...and cried, I'm sure. I headed to the couch where I needed to be comforted by the one person I wanted so badly. Unfortunately I cried the whole night on that couch. I was overwhelmed with grief about my grandmother but wasn't able to mourn her passing that night. You see, my ex and I were both on a dating site again. He refused to leave the site even though we were going to try again. He said he wanted to stay on it because he had no friends. He needed to make friends. He needed the distraction. I was on it to make him jealous. I'll never forget the line he used when we first met on that site...definitely something about you. I had a history of cheating on him...never physically, just emotionally. He had a history of checking up on me...emails, texts, phone records, my whereabouts. As much as he needed to know I wasn't up to my old tricks, I needed to know the same. I wrote a guy on the dating site. I used his line. I did it to see if he would back into my account to check up on me. I wasn't interested in a single one of those guys. I only wanted to be with him.

That night as I laid on my grandmothers couch hoping he would give me the comfort I needed through his words he struck. He had hacked into my account, read my messages, and threw it back in my face. He called me some very nasty names and he made sure I knew it was definitely over. At a time when I needed him to help me heal over my loss, he knocked me down into my own grave. I did what I had to do and he did what he needed to do. Neither of us came out winning. I hurt his heart again and he made me feel his pain...again. It was our never ending cycle.

I had a male friend that had been trying to become more than friends. He sent me flowers with a beautiful card attached when he found out about my grandmother. He was the only one that reached out to me. Even with the flowers and his kind words, I couldn't let him in. I didn't want him. My heart belonged to the one that kept breaking it. I feel like I never really was allowed to mourn her passing the way I should have because I was too busy mourning the loss of the one that stole my heart.

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp sputters
Soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life and
I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale court smell of morning
A street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you'll touch me,
You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...
~Barbra Streisand

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