Friday, September 26, 2014


The best thing about this blog is that it is MINE.  MY words, MY feelings, MY stories.  I can say anything I want and I can use this blog to vent, share and most importantly heal.  For me the best way to heal is to talk in any way possible.  Healing my past regrets and mistakes is huge for me.  I thought so badly about myself for so long that I was stuck in a rut.  I talked to counselors and they gave me advice and suggestions on how to help myself heal but until you speak to someone who has been through what you have and can relate to you on that very personal level it doesn't really sink in.  I've been healthy, healed and happy for several years now.  I took a huge step in healing when I reached out and extended the olive branch a few years ago to someone that has used the word "hate" to describe me.  I wasn't asking for her friendship just a chance for both of us to heal.  I am happy to say she accepted my offer with open arms.  She's been where I have been.  We shared good and bad stories.  We both agreed that we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with him.  We were both wrong.  She opened my eyes to a lot of things that went on behind the scenes.  Things I am blessed to say never happened to me.  I always said that when we fought he looked like he was one step away from hitting me.  With her...he took that step.

He had me questioning my sanity at the end, but I know that was how his twisted mind perceived things. He would go back and forth between it being all his fault and none of his fault. He would love me forever, he never wanted to talk to me again. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder and the diagnosis fits him to a t. He needs help.
She gets it.  She really gets it.  The words she wrote to me where exactly what I felt, what I was thinking.  We chatted back and forth a few times and the stories between us sparked a mutual respect for each other.  I know why I did what I did during that time.  She realized at the end why I did what I did and my explanation only clarified what she thought.  We both feel bad for him.  We both wish things could have been different.  We both feel bad for whoever will be next.  I pray for him.  I pray for the her and I pray for the next one.  It was only a short period of time with him but he changed my life drastically.  Do I still have feelings for him? Yes and No.  I do wonder if things would have been different for us if I was healthy at the time.  Would we have moved in together?  Would we have gotten married?  Would we have had a child together?  Would we still be together?  Sometimes I think they would be different but then I doubt it.  He had issues that extended past my issues and they weren't going away anytime soon.  I doubt they have gone away since.  In the end he never really took blame for anything he ever did and insisted that I was the issue the whole time.  I may have enhanced his issues but I surely didn't create them.
Sometimes I still think that I have open wounds surrounding him.  Sometimes I think that if I just talked to him face to face and got everything out that it would all just fade away.  I will never take that step to contact him.  I will never take that step to see him again.  But if fate makes us cross paths again one day I wouldn't mind just talking.  Not yelling, not trying to catch each other in a lie, just talking.  I did almost run into him at a mall a few months ago and briefly thought about approaching him but he was with his kids and I was with mine.  I grabbed my kids and we left.  It wasn't the right time or place.
But I can say the biggest part of healing to date was talking to someone that could relate to me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.  She knew what I was feeling.  I think if I ever needed to completely close the chapter I would need to speak to him.  So for that reason...I live in a never ending story.

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because i would really, really love to stick around

Heaven knows i was just a young boy
Didn't know what i wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy
And i guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way i play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get me some happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time i told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these ties and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
You've gotta give for what you rake
You've gotta give for what you take
Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy

What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big-shot good time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy 
~George Michael

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