Friday, September 26, 2014

Freedom

The best thing about this blog is that it is MINE.  MY words, MY feelings, MY stories.  I can say anything I want and I can use this blog to vent, share and most importantly heal.  For me the best way to heal is to talk in any way possible.  Healing my past regrets and mistakes is huge for me.  I thought so badly about myself for so long that I was stuck in a rut.  I talked to counselors and they gave me advice and suggestions on how to help myself heal but until you speak to someone who has been through what you have and can relate to you on that very personal level it doesn't really sink in.  I've been healthy, healed and happy for several years now.  I took a huge step in healing when I reached out and extended the olive branch a few years ago to someone that has used the word "hate" to describe me.  I wasn't asking for her friendship just a chance for both of us to heal.  I am happy to say she accepted my offer with open arms.  She's been where I have been.  We shared good and bad stories.  We both agreed that we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with him.  We were both wrong.  She opened my eyes to a lot of things that went on behind the scenes.  Things I am blessed to say never happened to me.  I always said that when we fought he looked like he was one step away from hitting me.  With her...he took that step.

He had me questioning my sanity at the end, but I know that was how his twisted mind perceived things. He would go back and forth between it being all his fault and none of his fault. He would love me forever, he never wanted to talk to me again. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder and the diagnosis fits him to a t. He needs help.
 
 
She gets it.  She really gets it.  The words she wrote to me where exactly what I felt, what I was thinking.  We chatted back and forth a few times and the stories between us sparked a mutual respect for each other.  I know why I did what I did during that time.  She realized at the end why I did what I did and my explanation only clarified what she thought.  We both feel bad for him.  We both wish things could have been different.  We both feel bad for whoever will be next.  I pray for him.  I pray for the her and I pray for the next one.  It was only a short period of time with him but he changed my life drastically.  Do I still have feelings for him? Yes and No.  I do wonder if things would have been different for us if I was healthy at the time.  Would we have moved in together?  Would we have gotten married?  Would we have had a child together?  Would we still be together?  Sometimes I think they would be different but then I doubt it.  He had issues that extended past my issues and they weren't going away anytime soon.  I doubt they have gone away since.  In the end he never really took blame for anything he ever did and insisted that I was the issue the whole time.  I may have enhanced his issues but I surely didn't create them.
 
Sometimes I still think that I have open wounds surrounding him.  Sometimes I think that if I just talked to him face to face and got everything out that it would all just fade away.  I will never take that step to contact him.  I will never take that step to see him again.  But if fate makes us cross paths again one day I wouldn't mind just talking.  Not yelling, not trying to catch each other in a lie, just talking.  I did almost run into him at a mall a few months ago and briefly thought about approaching him but he was with his kids and I was with mine.  I grabbed my kids and we left.  It wasn't the right time or place.
 
But I can say the biggest part of healing to date was talking to someone that could relate to me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.  She knew what I was feeling.  I think if I ever needed to completely close the chapter I would need to speak to him.  So for that reason...I live in a never ending story.

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because i would really, really love to stick around

Heaven knows i was just a young boy
Didn't know what i wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy
And i guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way i play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get me some happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time i told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these ties and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you rake
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy

What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big-shot good time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy 
~George Michael
 


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Say Something...

My heart is racing. Why does it have to be this way? It shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't bother me but it does. More than I would like to admit. When will the cycle end? When will the feelings be gone? When will I be able to accept that he's not coming back...ever? Although I say I have forgiven myself for what I have done it's just not good enough. I need him. I need his forgiveness. I need him to say it. I need him to say "I want to know the real you." But he won't...ever. He's the one. I can feel it. I know this. I wish I was his one. But I won't be...not ever. I don't need a lot. I just need him.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...
~A Great Big World

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Email

First, thank you to everyone that follows my blog either through the site or through email. Second, I know the comment section is not working so if you follow my blog could you please email me at jenbrandis@yahoo.com? I have a question for all my followers :)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Daydream Believer

It feels like a lifetime since I've seen Evan. I spend my days getting more depressed praying and hoping he still loves me. Hoping he still thinks of me. I'm feeling very alone today and all my thoughts are about contacting him. I know it will only push him further away but I just can't shake my feelings for him. I'm thinking a midday nap is in order to try and make the time pass. They say you dream about the last thing you think of before you fall asleep. This must be true because I had the most vivid dream of Evan. I dreamt of the life we could have had together. All living under one roof, lots of smiles and laughs, a healthy me. I had my medication balanced and I was finally the me I was before. Sharing a healthy me with Evan was always a dream. We were at his house, a picnic with friends and family in the backyard. Everyone was laughing and smiling. I went up behind Evan and put my arms around him. I could smell him. I could feel his body against mine. We fit perfectly together. He pulled me around to the front of him and held me in the biggest bear hug ever. The feeling of being in his arms was always overwhelming. It was comfort to me. We sat down on lawn chairs next to each other. I reached my hand over and placed it on his upper thigh. I could feel his leg muscle through his jeans. I could feel the texture of his jeans. He looked over and gave me that beautiful smile. All I ever wanted to do was make him smile. Only in my dreams was I able to do that. I didn't want to open my eyes when I woke because I knew I would realize it was only a dream. I'm wide awake now. Wanting only one thing...to contact him even more. Should I text him? Should I email him? Should I send him a message on Facebook? Will he ever contact me again? Will I ever hear his voice again? Will I ever touch him again? Yes, in my dreams.

Every night I rush to my bed
with hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you
When I close my eyes
I'm goin outta my head
Lost in a fairytale
Can you hold my hands and be my guide
Clouds filled with stars cover your skies
and I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where
Baby long as you're here
I'll be floatin on air cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
I mention you when I say my prayers
I wrap you around all of my thoughts
Boy you my temporary high
I wish that when I wake up youre there
So wrap your arms around me for real
and tell me you'll stay by side
Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
and I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where
Baby long as you're here
I'll be floatin on air cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Tattoo your name across my heart
So it will remain
Not even death could make us part
What kind of dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
~Beyoncé