During my search on how to make myself better without letting him know just how bad I was, Evan decided he couldn't hold on anymore. We just weren't compatible. I convinced him to let me come over so we could talk. We sat on opposite sides of the living room with very little to say. He didn't want to hear any more from me. But somehow, someway I got through. He just couldn't let go. I don't know if he just didn't want to be alone again or if he really did love me and just couldn't stand to see me walk away one last time. I told him what he needed to hear even though I knew it would be months before he would see a change in me especially since my new meds weren't working. I didn't care. I was able to stay. Mission accomplished.
I headed into the bathroom to wipe my tears away and my heart sank. The words...they were gone. I had it in my head that everything would always be ok with us as long as those words remained on the mirror. They weren't there. Do I say something to him? Do I act like I don't care that they are gone? Do I freak out? My head was fucking with me again. I couldn't let go of the thought that I had lost him. Even though we just worked things out 5 minutes ago I knew he was gone.
I walked out to the living room and he was washing dishes at the sink. I decided to just hold onto him for as long as he would let me. I put my arm around him from behind and kissed his back. But something was different. Sounds silly to say this but his few strands of back hair were missing. Not a chance he got those himself. "What happened to that back hair you asked me to pull," the tone in my voice was not kind. "My ex pulled them for me." He said it like it was no big deal. "How did that happen?" "When she came over to get the kids I took off my shirt, laid down and told her to pull my back hair out." Are you fucking kidding me? "You asked your ex to do it? The same woman you can't even say hello to when she comes in your home?" He could have cared less. He didn't see the issue, in fact he told me how much I was blowing it out of proportion. Our happy time after our last fight lasted about 15 minutes before this one hit. I slept on the couch. Actually I laid on the couch debating if I should just end my sadness and just leave.