Thursday, August 14, 2014

The good times and the bad

We had fights. We had a lot of fights. Some initiated by me and some by him. I don't think it's healthy for me to point fingers as to which one was really at fault. I always knew one thing though...I couldn't live without this man. I didn't want to live without him. I knew deep down that I would get healthy again and he would see the real me. We tried to enjoy the times when we were good together. Fun with the kids, being silly, rides on the motorcycle and writing on the bathroom mirror. We tried to top each other with ridiculous things to say how much we loved it each other. Evan had a large bathroom with large mirrors and we had words and sayings written all over them. I would always smile when I would see them. When we would fight all I would have to do is read the words in the bathroom. It would always calm me down and bring me to a happy place. I don't think he knew just how much those mirror words meant to me.

During my search on how to make myself better without letting him know just how bad I was, Evan decided he couldn't hold on anymore. We just weren't compatible. I convinced him to let me come over so we could talk. We sat on opposite sides of the living room with very little to say. He didn't want to hear any more from me. But somehow, someway I got through. He just couldn't let go. I don't know if he just didn't want to be alone again or if he really did love me and just couldn't stand to see me walk away one last time. I told him what he needed to hear even though I knew it would be months before he would see a change in me especially since my new meds weren't working. I didn't care. I was able to stay. Mission accomplished.

I headed into the bathroom to wipe my tears away and my heart sank. The words...they were gone. I had it in my head that everything would always be ok with us as long as those words remained on the mirror. They weren't there. Do I say something to him? Do I act like I don't care that they are gone? Do I freak out? My head was fucking with me again. I couldn't let go of the thought that I had lost him. Even though we just worked things out 5 minutes ago I knew he was gone.

I walked out to the living room and he was washing dishes at the sink. I decided to just hold onto him for as long as he would let me. I put my arm around him from behind and kissed his back. But something was different. Sounds silly to say this but his few strands of back hair were missing. Not a chance he got those himself. "What happened to that back hair you asked me to pull," the tone in my voice was not kind. "My ex pulled them for me."  He said it like it was no big deal. "How did that happen?" "When she came over to get the kids I took off my shirt, laid down and told her to pull my back hair out." Are you fucking kidding me? "You asked your ex to do it? The same woman you can't even say hello to when she comes in your home?" He could have cared less. He didn't see the issue, in fact he told me how much I was blowing it out of proportion. Our happy time after our last fight lasted about 15 minutes before this one hit. I slept on the couch. Actually I laid on the couch debating if I should just end my sadness and just leave.

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
~Gotye

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