Friday, August 1, 2014

Jar of Hearts

It's October again and I find myself alone. Evan has clearly moved on and wants nothing to do with me and the whole random guy dating thing has seriously lost its appeal. I'm starting to feel low again...I'm starting to hear his words again, no one will ever want you.  I was getting no relief at work and was really hating my job.  Caty was the only thing that made my days at work enjoyable.  Our friendship was stronger than ever and I valued all her advice over the last year. Another crappy day finished up and Caty and I walked to our cars.  It was never a quick exit because we always seemed to stand in the parking lot for awhile chatting.  We made it to my car and I noticed a piece of paper wedged into my side mirror.
 
 
Jennifer
It's Joe
Call or Email me
I really need to talk to you
555-555-5555
 
 
"Are you fucking kidding me," those words came out of my mouth without hesitation. "What is it," Caty asked?  "Remember the dick that ran off and got married while we were dating?  It's from him."  "Oh my God, what are you going to do?"  I wasn't sure what to do.  What could this "man" possibly have to talk to me about? What "line" would I fall for this time?  Seriously...who does he think he is?
 
My ride home was a blur.  My head was going in 100 different ways from I wonder what he wants to Fuck Off and everything in between.  As the night rolled on my curiosity got the best of me.
 
From: ME
Subject: WHAT?
 
I hit send
 
and waited
 
About an hour later I got my reply.
 
To: ME
Subject: WHAT?
 
Jennifer, thank you so much for contacting me.  I have so much I need to say to you but I have a feeling your not going to let me say it in person so I'm going to write it all here.  It's been almost a year since I've gotten married and it's really bad.  Alicia and I moved out and are living in the garage that I converted into an apartment.  Robin is drunk all the time.  I'm filing for divorce tomorrow.  Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.  I just had to buy my time.  My lawyer advised me that If I got back together with her and had my daughter with me for a year and I could show that I was the one supporting her it would make it easier for me to get custody of Alicia.  When I went to breakfast that morning I was going to ask her to get back together but she refused unless we got married.  I had to do it for my daughter.  I hope you can understand that.  She is my world and I did what I had to do to get her.  I talked with my lawyer yesterday and he said I had enough proof for the courts that she is not fit to take Alicia.  I bought my time and now I can finally have what I want. I know what happened was a shock to you and I'm sorry but I had to cut all ties right away so I could focus on getting Alicia. I only wanted two things in my life, you and Alicia.  I had to pick and I picked my daughter.  I realize now that I could have gotten her with you by my side.  Now that I have Alicia I want you.  I am willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.  You were the best I had ever had.  I never stopped loving you.
 
I must have read the email 100 times.  Is he feeding me lines, does he mean what he says?  My head was spinning and I needed to sleep it off.
 
The next day I ignored Caty's advice and I wrote him back.  I saw him that evening.  I never felt lower about myself than I did that night.  I had to prove to Evan that someone would want me.
 
I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?
~Christina Perri

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