Sunday, August 24, 2014

Do I really matter?

Evan had a very large master suite with a beautiful queen sized bed but he hated it. He only hated his bed because of my dog. He hated that my dog slept on the bed with us so he wanted a king size bed to get away from the dog...or from me...who knows. After purchasing the king size version of the bed he already had we headed to the mattress store. "I want you to help pick out the mattress because it's going to be your bed also." His words made me so happy. Purchasing things together and helping to decorate his home with my style made me feel loved. I always knew in the back of my mind that my depression and low self esteem would ultimately take over and everything we built together would be gone. "I can't sleep on tempurpedic beds. I had one with my ex husband and I didn't sleep through the night once." I never weighed a lot so the mattress wouldn't form to my body. It was like sleeping on concrete. Hated it. With that being said I still wanted Evan to try out all the mattresses. It was his money and no matter what he said to me I knew it would never be MY bed. We spent a few hours there checking out all the options. We finally narrowed it down to 2 that we both liked. "I'm going to stop after work tomorrow and purchase one. I want it to be a surprise for you." He made me smile. It's the little things.
Delivery day came for the mattress and he had it all set up when I arrived at his house after work. I jumped on in excitement. "Ugh. Which one did you pick," the disappointment was written all over my face. "I decided to go with one that was part tempurpedic." Are you fucking kidding me?? "I told you I can't sleep on these things." "I know what you said but I like it." This was pretty much how it always went. He would make me feel important, involved and his equal and them would turn around and do whatever he wanted anyway. He had a knack for making me feel unwanted, unvalued and pretty much like shit.

I tried to love you I thought I could
I tried to own you I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel you should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

Cheating myself still you know more
It would be so easy with a whore
Try to understand me little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
I still love you, but, I still burn

Yeah, Love, hate, love [3x]
Oooh, Love, hate, love
Yeah, Love, hate, love
~Alice in Chains

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