Sunday, August 24, 2014

Do I really matter?

Evan had a very large master suite with a beautiful queen sized bed but he hated it. He only hated his bed because of my dog. He hated that my dog slept on the bed with us so he wanted a king size bed to get away from the dog...or from me...who knows. After purchasing the king size version of the bed he already had we headed to the mattress store. "I want you to help pick out the mattress because it's going to be your bed also." His words made me so happy. Purchasing things together and helping to decorate his home with my style made me feel loved. I always knew in the back of my mind that my depression and low self esteem would ultimately take over and everything we built together would be gone. "I can't sleep on tempurpedic beds. I had one with my ex husband and I didn't sleep through the night once." I never weighed a lot so the mattress wouldn't form to my body. It was like sleeping on concrete. Hated it. With that being said I still wanted Evan to try out all the mattresses. It was his money and no matter what he said to me I knew it would never be MY bed. We spent a few hours there checking out all the options. We finally narrowed it down to 2 that we both liked. "I'm going to stop after work tomorrow and purchase one. I want it to be a surprise for you." He made me smile. It's the little things.
Delivery day came for the mattress and he had it all set up when I arrived at his house after work. I jumped on in excitement. "Ugh. Which one did you pick," the disappointment was written all over my face. "I decided to go with one that was part tempurpedic." Are you fucking kidding me?? "I told you I can't sleep on these things." "I know what you said but I like it." This was pretty much how it always went. He would make me feel important, involved and his equal and them would turn around and do whatever he wanted anyway. He had a knack for making me feel unwanted, unvalued and pretty much like shit.

I tried to love you I thought I could
I tried to own you I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel you should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

Cheating myself still you know more
It would be so easy with a whore
Try to understand me little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
I still love you, but, I still burn

Yeah, Love, hate, love [3x]
Oooh, Love, hate, love
Yeah, Love, hate, love
~Alice in Chains

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Feeling inspired

I've been working hard on my book and sharing bits and pieces of it here on my blog. I just want to thank everyone who has read the posts and given me their input. You all keep me inspired to write. I'm excited to say that the book should finally be finished soon. Loooong time coming. I'm very excited. I'm sure when certain people get wind that the book is out there they won't be very happy but this is my life and I'm going to continue living it. I'm also excited to say that I have book 2 in place!! This is a very exciting and busy time for me and your input has helped me continue on.

I apologize for the comment section not working but I appreciate all the private messages I have received!

THANK YOU ALL!!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I kissed a girl...

"I'm not feeling it," she said as she got off me and stood at the end of the bed. The alcohol was wearing off, she was sobering up. Her husband just laid there so I went over to her. Both of us standing naked, feeling vulnerable. She was the first girl I had kissed, the first girl I would be naked with, the only girl. I tried to convince her that everything was ok, to come back to bed, to let Evan or her husband please her. She was confused, lost, scared. She left the bedroom and sat on a chair in the living room. It was obvious our foursome was over. Evan and I got dressed but I didn't want to leave. I was still feeling the alcohol and didn't want it to end. I liked it. I liked being the center of the attention. Attention from Evan, from a strange man, from a woman. They all wanted to please me and I wanted it. Evan could tell that I was pushing too hard to convince this now sober woman to try again so he picked me up and flung me over his shoulder. "That was fucking hot," Evan said as we headed home in the car. "I think I liked it more than I should," I said with a sly smirk on my face. We didn't live far from their place so the drive was short. I replayed the events in my head over and over and when we got back to our bedroom I was so charged up that I attacked. Evan was naked before he even hit the bed. I had my fun...with her, now I wanted to please him.

He was hard and ready to go. So big, so hard. I straddled him getting ready to put my lips on his cock. So deep, I never gagged. I stroked him with my hard following my mouth up and down. Teasing the tip of his cock with my tongue. I peaked up to catch his reaction and he was feeling it. The look in his eyes, I knew he wanted me. I knew I could make him happy. He made it last and I was more than happy to invest the time. Rubbing, licking, sucking  kissing his cock until he couldn't hold it any longer. "I'm gonna cum," his voice was strained. With his release he filled my mouth and I swallowed. He always tasted so good. I leaned up and put my lips on his. I wanted him to taste himself. I wanted him to taste the passion.
This was never the way I planned, not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion
It's not what I'm used to, just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you caught my attention
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter
You're my experimental game, just human nature
It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave
My head gets so confused, hard to obey
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
Us girls we are so magical, soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist, so touchable, too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
~Katy Perry

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The good times and the bad

We had fights. We had a lot of fights. Some initiated by me and some by him. I don't think it's healthy for me to point fingers as to which one was really at fault. I always knew one thing though...I couldn't live without this man. I didn't want to live without him. I knew deep down that I would get healthy again and he would see the real me. We tried to enjoy the times when we were good together. Fun with the kids, being silly, rides on the motorcycle and writing on the bathroom mirror. We tried to top each other with ridiculous things to say how much we loved it each other. Evan had a large bathroom with large mirrors and we had words and sayings written all over them. I would always smile when I would see them. When we would fight all I would have to do is read the words in the bathroom. It would always calm me down and bring me to a happy place. I don't think he knew just how much those mirror words meant to me.

During my search on how to make myself better without letting him know just how bad I was, Evan decided he couldn't hold on anymore. We just weren't compatible. I convinced him to let me come over so we could talk. We sat on opposite sides of the living room with very little to say. He didn't want to hear any more from me. But somehow, someway I got through. He just couldn't let go. I don't know if he just didn't want to be alone again or if he really did love me and just couldn't stand to see me walk away one last time. I told him what he needed to hear even though I knew it would be months before he would see a change in me especially since my new meds weren't working. I didn't care. I was able to stay. Mission accomplished.

I headed into the bathroom to wipe my tears away and my heart sank. The words...they were gone. I had it in my head that everything would always be ok with us as long as those words remained on the mirror. They weren't there. Do I say something to him? Do I act like I don't care that they are gone? Do I freak out? My head was fucking with me again. I couldn't let go of the thought that I had lost him. Even though we just worked things out 5 minutes ago I knew he was gone.

I walked out to the living room and he was washing dishes at the sink. I decided to just hold onto him for as long as he would let me. I put my arm around him from behind and kissed his back. But something was different. Sounds silly to say this but his few strands of back hair were missing. Not a chance he got those himself. "What happened to that back hair you asked me to pull," the tone in my voice was not kind. "My ex pulled them for me."  He said it like it was no big deal. "How did that happen?" "When she came over to get the kids I took off my shirt, laid down and told her to pull my back hair out." Are you fucking kidding me? "You asked your ex to do it? The same woman you can't even say hello to when she comes in your home?" He could have cared less. He didn't see the issue, in fact he told me how much I was blowing it out of proportion. Our happy time after our last fight lasted about 15 minutes before this one hit. I slept on the couch. Actually I laid on the couch debating if I should just end my sadness and just leave.

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
~Gotye

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Can you say "stalker"

July, 2009

The dreaded July 4th picnic has come and gone.  It killed me not to be there and I spent the day alone thinking about where I wanted to be.  I'm back on a dating site...basically because Evan is also.  He calls and texts when he wants sex and that's about it.  I always accept the invitation because it's the only hope I have to hold onto.  Maybe, just maybe this will be the time when he will say we can try again.  That never came.  I'm going out on random dates with guys from the site but I always compare them to Evan.  Then it happened...the date that brought a "crazy" into my life.

Kevin seemed like a decent enough guy.  He lived in Wyomissing so I agreed to meet him at a restaurant in the area.  Dinner was good but conversation and attraction were lacking.  I knew halfway through the dinner that I would be heading home afterwards.  As we walked to our cars I told him that I wasn't really "feeling it" and that maybe we would just be better off as friends.  Luckily he agreed and said that he was attracted to me and thought I had a great personality but if I wasn't into him than he wouldn't pursue it.  I told him to contact me if he wanted to hang sometime and with that we parted ways.  I watched a little tv at home then headed for bed.

Next day I woke up to a text from Kevin

Jennifer, I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I couldn't stop thinking about you.  Do you think that we could try one more date?
 
Ugh!
 
Hey Kevin.  I'm sorry, I would rather just be friends.
 
His reply was quick
 
OK, I understand.  I can deal with being friends.
 
Two hours passed
 
Jennifer, I really think we could work this out.  I really think you are the one.
 
Are you fucking kidding me?  One dinner and I'm the one?  I'm so not in the mood for this shit.
 
Sorry Kevin.  Seems like you can't really handle being friends.
 
As the week went on Kevin thought it would be better if he left me multiple voicemail messages proclaiming his love and plans for our future together.  The text messages always followed the voicemail.  By Wednesday I had enough...it was time to block his number.  Of course, it costs money to have that extra feature added to your phone plan and money was something I didn't have to waste.  Didn't matter...this needed to be done.  Thursday was calm without his constant contact.  Friday was better because I picked up my kids.  I never went out on the weeks I had my kids so it was a good week for me.  The distraction always helped.
 
Friday night was movie night for me and the kids.  We would pick out a movie, make popcorn, turn all the lights out in the living room and cuddle on the couch.  We had just started watching the movie when I saw flashlights on my porch.  I told the kids not to move.  My doorbell rang.  I was scared to death to open the door but when I did I was shocked at what I saw...2 police officers.  "Are you Jennifer XXXXXXXXX?" "Yes," I replied.  "Do you know Kevin XXXXXXXXX?"  "Yes," I said with a shitty look on my face.  "Kevin called 911 and asked for us to check on you to make sure you were ok.  He said you weren't responding to his text messages and his calls.  Ma'am, are you ok?"  My mouth dropped open, my eyes got big.  "Yes, I'm fine.  I'm watching a movie with my kids."  They flashed their lights in the door and peaked around the corner to see the kids. "Kevin has requested a call back to let him know that you are ok.  We will not be calling him back."  It was obvious the cops had a clue what was going on.  "No, please don't call him.  Does he know where I live?"  "No, he said he called 911 because he only knew your city, name and phone number."  Oh thank God this crazy doesn't know where I live.  "Ma'am, is everything ok? Anything we need to know about?"  "No, everything is fine.  I went on a date with the guy and he wouldn't leave me alone so I had to block his number."  "We understand.  We will make a note that if he calls us again we will be sure to show up at his door instead of yours."  Big Smile!  "Thank you."
 
True freakin' story...only me.  I hate this dating shit. 
 
 
 I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes

While, she's deceiving me,
It cuts my security (has)
she got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades; oh no
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades;
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
You got it made with the guy in shades; oh no

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Forget my name while you collect your claim
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
See the light that's right before my eyes

While she's deceiving me,
she cuts my security (has)
She got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades (oh no)
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
(cuz) You got it made with the guy in shades (oh no)

While she's deceiving me,
she cuts my security (has)
She got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades (oh no)
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
don't be afraid of the guy in shades
(oh No) (It can't escape you)
(cus) You got it made with the guy in shades (oh no)

I said
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night

I say to ya now
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night

I cry to you
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
~Corey Hart
 


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression

I can't say the suicide of Robin Williams surprises me.  Anyone who has or had severe depression knows exactly how he must have been feeling when all hope was lost, when his head got the best of him, when there seemed like no other answer.  I was going to stray from my recent book posts to write about my depression but I think this is the perfect time to tie it all together.  Depression comes in many forms and I have been through a lot of them.

My kids were young, my daughter still in a high chair.  Our family dog was just diagnosed with Cancer.  My husband was at a Company meeting and I was feeding the kids dinner.  Typical evening, nothing out of the ordinary except my head.  This would be the first time I can remember feeling hopeless and letting the thoughts in my head take over.  I couldn't stop crying.  Both of the kids were fighting with each other at the table, neither would eat, dog was sick, husband wasn't home and all I wanted to do was run.  I seriously thought about leaving the kids at the kitchen table, grabbing my keys and never looking back.  I had never felt this way before.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, but I knew that I couldn't let the thoughts control me.  I reached for the phone and called my family doctor.  The office was closed but the answering service said they would have the on-call Doctor call me back.  I sat by that phone waiting for it to ring while rocking back and forth on a kitchen chair.  I didn't say anything, just cried while listening to the kids yell and cry.  They were right next to me but seemed so far away.  The phone rang.

"This is Dr. XXXX, how can I help you?"
I was crying so hard it took everything I had to make out a sentence, "I don't feel right.  In my head.  I want to run."
"OK, is anyone with you?"
"Just my two kids."
"Do you have anyone you can call to come over?"
"No, I feel so alone.  I want to run away."
"Do you feel like you may harm yourself or others?"
"No, I just want to run away."
"Do you feel that you need me to call an ambulance to come get you?"
"I don't want to be my mother."
That's what it was.  I had grown up in a home where my mother suffered from severe depression.  I had convinced myself that I was turning into her.  I didn't want that.
"OK, ma'am if you think you can calm yourself down, I will call the office and leave a message for them to call you tomorrow to set up an appointment."

With that I hung up the phone.  I wondered why he couldn't help me right then.  Why would he wait until tomorrow.  Didn't he care about me?  Didn't he care about my kids?

I called my husband.
"I need you to come home.  It's an emergency."
"Is everything alright?  What's going on?"
"It's me, I need you to come home and watch the kids.  Somethings wrong with me."
"OK, I'm leaving now."

He came home, I barely talked and went to bed.

I did go see the Doctor the next day and that's when they prescribed medication for my "head issues".  It takes a little bit of time for them to get in your system and start working but when they do, they are a blessing.  Right after they started working my daughter was diagnosed with Cancer.  I believe the incident that evening happened so I could get on the meds and give them enough time to get in my system and start working.  I would hate to think how I would have dealt with that situation if I wasn't receiving help with my bad thoughts in my head.

I always know when my medication stops working and needs to be increased or changed but once and awhile I think I'm ok and take myself off my meds or just get sick of taking them. Right before I started dating Evan I knew my meds weren't working properly.  They were doing an ok job but I could tell in my head that I wasn't rational.  But, I had found someone that I was looking for, someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  He was perfect and I didn't want him to think I wasn't.  So, I downplayed my issues.  I didn't get my meds adjusted, I didn't see a doctor, I didn't see a counselor, I did nothing...except let bad thoughts in my head get in the way.  Some days I wouldn't even get out of bed and other days I would just cry by myself because I knew I wasn't even giving our relationship a chance if I wasn't honest with him about my depression and I certainly wasn't being honest with myself if I wasn't doing something about it.

As our relationship went on, I know I got worse.  I'm pretty sure he figured out that I was fucked in the head but what he probably didn't know was that all I had to do was change my medicine. I wanted off my medicine so badly.  I wanted to pretend that I wasn't my mother and that I didn't need help.  My fucked up head is what lead to my lies, my lack of emotional attachment, my life changing event on that airplane, my losing him.  It happened two specific times...once in NYC and once in Vegas.  I casually called him by him ex-husbands name.  Not during sex or anything like that, just casually in conversation.  He was actually ok with it because he recognized that I had been with that man for 17 years so this was all new to me.  The problem was my head.  I couldn't stop punishing myself in my head for doing that.  In NYC it was touch and go...he just wanted to turn around and go home, then we stayed and ended up having a beautiful trip (after we got passed the fight).  But, it never left my head...it was early in our relationship and early during my med issues so I was able to fight the thoughts and move past.  Not completely past it because I would beat myself up over it for the entire trip.  The second incident didn't end as well.  In Vegas I did the same thing.  Again, after it happened and we got in the car he tried talking to me about it, tried holding my hand, tried being playful but I couldn't let it go.  My med issue was at a peak during this trip.  One day I would be ok and wouldn't let negative thoughts take over and other days I couldn't shake them.  When we would be around other people I would act like everything was fine because I didn't want them to see my weaknesses but I was way past hiding them from Evan.  He knew them.  He knew I was fucked in the head.  That incident turned into a very large incident only because I wouldn't let it go.  I'm not going to write down all the specifics of what happened to me but I can tell you that the brain is a powerful organ.  My brain and my negative thoughts combined with stress and anxiety caused my body to shut down...on the flight home.  It wasn't my finest hour(s) and it did change my life forever.  After we arrived home I started treatment and the first thing they did was change my medications.  The new medications didn't work but I didn't want to tell Evan that.  I knew it was going to be a struggle to find the right balance of meds for me and I also knew that my time with Evan was now limited.  I didn't want him to have to wait for me to fix myself.  Honestly, that's exactly what I should have done.  I think if I were honest with him about what I needed to happen to make myself better things might have ended differently but that's all in the past and nothing I can do about it now.

It wasn't until somewhat recently that I finally figured out my med situation for my depression and anxiety.  I'm currently on one medication but I alternate dosage day by day.  It works perfectly for me.  I do have issues when I let my meds run out and think that I can rule the world without them but I know that I can't let that happen to me anymore.  I'm not a bad person and I'm a better person when I receive the help I need from my medication. I am loving and able to be loved.  I am beautiful inside and out and I'm ok if I need the medication to be that person I know I can be.

I'm happy with myself.  I'm happier with myself now than I was before I was ever on medication.  I'm living my life, feeling young, feeling beautiful, feeling grateful.  I'm finally being me and yes, I'm medicated.


~Jen

Monday, August 11, 2014

Always something there to remind me

Days, weeks, months, years rolled on and I still am not able to shake the time I spent with Evan. Something or someone is always around to remind me. I went to a wedding and at the reception a drunk guy said to me, "I know you. Didn't you date Evan?" "Yes," I replied. "I heard some shit about you," he said as he was slurring his words. All I could do was walk away. Ruined the rest of my night. One morning I was on Facebook and got this strange message:

Jennifer, 
You don't know me but I am friends with Nicole, Evan's girlfriend. I've heard a lot of bad things about you from Evan and Nicole but I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to ask for your help and/or advice. A few of Nicole's friends are worried for her. We don't like Evan, we don't understand why she's with someone so old, we don't like the way he talks to her. We are scared for her safety. We want to get her out but she is a little too comfortable with the lifestyle he is able to give her and her girls. I don't know if what they have said about you is true, all I know is that you got out and I'm asking how you did it. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? What the fuck do I do with this crap? Alright, I'll reply...

Although I'm not interested in knowing what they have said about me, some I've heard, but I'm sure most of it is true. I wasn't the type of person that wanted to even be friends with myself. I only have two things to offer...1. Lie to him. He won't stand for it, especially after our relationship or 2. Tell her to bring home a cat. I loved cats and he told me if I ever brought one home that he would kill the cat and kick me out. Other than that, I can't help you. I'm sorry for Nicole, but happy she has friends that would go to these lengths to try and help her. 

The reply was quick

Thank you for the information but I don't think either will work. Nicole would never lie, she's too nice of a person and she already took home a cat, 5 of them in fact (kittens). Anything else?

Well I'll be damned!

The cat thing really surprises me but that's a good thing. Maybe he has changed since I knew him. I'm sorry I have nothing more to offer and you probably shouldn't contact me again. I'm sure Nicole would not be happy. 

This friend didn't write me again. But another one of her friends did contact me later. It never goes away...

I walk along the city streets, you used to walk along with me
And every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling how it felt to kiss and hold you tight
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go and I'll be there
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me 'cause there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

~Naked Eyes

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I'm the only one...

The days are long and the nights are longer.  I swear I'm going out of my mind seeing him with someone else.  All the steps forward I had taken are gone.  I'm starting counseling again.  I don't like the feelings that are taking over me.  I can't seem to let him go.  I've done so much wrong...shit, I pretty much did our entire relationship wrong.  I can say a thousand times that I've changed and things would be different but words are words and he's tired of hearing them.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I have so many feelings and they are all overwhelming right now.

I want to feel him so deep in me that I can feel it in my stomach.  I want his eyes on me, his hands, his body.  I need him...I crave him.  This is so much deeper than love.  It's like nothing I've ever felt before and probably never will again.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Please baby can't you see
My mind's a burnin' hell
I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin' like something
That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see
I'm trying to explain
I've been here before and I'm locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won't make
it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one
~Melissa Etheridge

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Come Back to Me

10/4/2009

I feel like I'm in a daze.  I don't know, it just hurts so bad when you've been replaced.  I know that the pain will go away once I replace him.  It just sucks because I really didn't want to replace him.  I said it before and I still think that he is the one.  He had everything I was looking for-everything.  This sucks.  I don't know how else to put it.  I wish I could just realize that we weren't meant for each other, but fuck I really think we are.  So now I've got Joe, the player, trying to come back into my life.  WTF.  I don't know what the hell to do.  He is begging for another chance the same way I've been begging Evan.  He wants to make it up to me and make everything right.  Exactly what I want with Evan.  I know how bad it hurts to know you made a ton of mistakes and really want to fit it and not be given the chance.  I really don't know what to do.  I can still remember him saying "Go fix yourself and then come back to me."  Why didn't he wait?

Seeing their pictures all over Facebook is such a slap in the face.  We had made plans to head back to NYC in September and when I called to confirm the plans he said he wouldn't be able to make it because he had a birthday party to attend.  I did ask if he needed a date and he said "No."  Pretty obvious now that it would have been awkward to take me to the birthday party for the girl he was dating. 

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know there's really nothin left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time I wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you I can't save you
Its something you have to do

So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
~David Cook

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Meeting

November 7 @ 7 pm

As I arrived at the restaurant and parked in the back, I freshened up my lip gloss and jumped out of the car.  As I turned the corner to the front of the building, I saw him.  He was standing next to the front door in jeans, brown shoes and a brown shirt.  I walked confidently to him with my head held high and instantly kissed him.  We didn’t even speak any words to each other.  We just kissed.  It was beyond anything else I had ever experienced.  It was like we knew each other already.  It was like it was the right thing to do.  The kiss was so nice.  Not passionate, but it wasn’t innocent either.  It just didn’t feel like I was greeting a stranger.  It seemed natural to just walk up to him and kiss him.  It was a feeling I would never again experience.  “Hi.”, his voice was soft.  “Hi.”, with a huge smile I spoke.  “Ready to head in?” he asked as he put his hand on my lower back and motioned towards the front door. “Sure.”  The smile just didn’t want to leave my face.  We checked in with our reservations and were lead up the stairs.  I walked ahead of him and wondered if he was checking my ass out.  I hope so…it looked good in these jeans!  He pulled my chair out for me and we settled into a table set for two on the enclosed balcony.  We looked over the menu and I was concerned because this wasn’t the type of place you ordered a Guinness at.  A white wine was offered by the young waitress when she arrived at our table.  I was not a wine drinker but it saved me from ordering something I had never had before.  I also ordered the side of water.  “Rum and Diet Coke”, he seemed to know exactly what he wanted.  The conversation was very strange.  He was quiet.  Very quiet.  He just kept staring at me with these incredible deep set blue eyes.  He had a smile on his face almost the whole time, as did I.  I would talk…like I always did and he gave short, one line answers.  Then my phone went off with a text message.  “Sorry, about the phone.  I just need to make sure my kids are ok.” He didn’t seem to mind.  Caty was right on time…7:30. 

You ok?

It was with a huge smile that I replied…

Yes.  He’s perfect.

He was…he did seem perfect.

OK.  I’m here if you need me.  Just head to the bathroom and text me and I will get you out.

Caty loved me like a sister and was the only person in my life that would tell me the honest truth whether it hurt me or not.  She would call me out and tell me when I was being an idiot.  The whole situation with my boss was a big topic of “being an idiot” between me and her.

“Definitely no microwaved meals here”, Evan said with that cute smile on his face. I laughed, “No, definitely not.” I did not consider myself a “foodie”.  I was a Burger King type of gal.  From prior conversations with Evan he was used to the finer foods.  Yes, he liked the wings and the pizza, but he definitely preferred the nicer restaurants.  Not really my thing, but I just have to learn to try different things.  As our food arrived at the table, the conversation continued but it really seemed one sided.  He just wouldn’t stop staring…even while he was eating.  “Why do you keep staring at me?”  It was time to ask because by now it just seemed odd.  “I just have a strange feeling.  I feel like I have known you forever.  I just can’t believe I’m sitting across from you.  It just seems perfect.”  He said these words without removing his stare into my eyes.  I instantly got a warm feeling and he was right…it did feel perfect.  As I’m stuffing my face and keeping it clean this time, my phone went off.

Everything ok?

It was my sister.  She was the only other one that knew I was on a first date.  I liked that she was checking on me.

Yup.  I’m good J  Thanks for checking!
I quickly apologized to Evan again considering he never once glanced at his phones.  The night was coming to an end and I went out on a limb. “Would you like to come back to my place?”  This would be the first time I would ever ask a man to come to my place on a first date.  “Sure.”, he said with that adorable smile.  I instantly felt strange.  What would he think of my place?  I lived in a very small trailer in a park.  Would he judge me?  Trailer trash came to mind.  My place was a complete dump on the outside because it was old, but once you stepped inside you were shocked.  Very modern looking with hardwood floors. “I feel weird saying this, but I should warn you about my place.” He looked at me strange and said, “Ok.” I explained that I lived in a very small trailer in a park.  I explained that it was really the only place I could afford on my own since I wasn’t receiving any help from my ex-husband.  “Do you want to run now?”  I seemed to be worried about this one running.  “No, not at all.  I don’t care where you live.”  His voice calmed my nerves down.  He paid the bill without hesitation and he walked me over to my car.  I wondered if he would kiss me since he was just going to follow me to my place but he did.  This one was much more intense, longer, and passionate.  I liked it.  I liked his mouth on mine.  I liked his tongue on mine.  This was good…this was very good.  As we broke apart both with smiles on our faces, he headed to his car and I waited for him to follow me.

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave To the dark and the endless skies, my love To the dark and the endless skies
And the first time ever I kissed
your mouth I felt the earth move in my hand Like the trembling heart of a captive bird That was there at my command, my love That was there at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you I felt your heart so close to mine And I knew our joy would fill the earth And last 'til the end of time, my love And it would last 'til the end of time, my love
The first time ever I saw your face Your face Your face Your face

~Roberta Flack

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

It's "ours"

He tried very hard to change my way of thinking. It wasn't "his" home it was "our" home. It wasn't "his" money it was "our" money. I never really took to the word "ours" because when we would fight he would use it against me. "This is MY house, not yours so get out." "I spend all MY money on you and this is the thanks I get?" That's why the motorcycle was such a big deal to me. That was really OURS. He didn't have the best of credit because of some mistakes a few years back but that was the only thing I actually had. I used my credit to secure the motorcycle loan so WE could purchase a motorcycle for him to ride. I was so excited when we picked it up. It was hot and he looked even hotter on it. My kids would call it "Bumble Bee". It was a gorgeous yellow and black sport bike.

It was a beautiful evening so I asked for a ride on the bike. I was having trouble making him happy but I knew the bike would. We strapped on our jackets and helmets and headed out. He lived close to a winding, back road that was designed for a motorcycle.  He purchased an intercom system for the helmets so we could talk to each other while riding. The irony of that is most of the time when we were in the car together we didn't talk. But something about that bike and knowing it was OURS made me relax. I was always talkative on the bike when we were together. I loved every single thing about that bike. As we rode down the road he started to sing. It was one of my favorite songs at the moment and we sang the lines back and forth to each other. It was a moment in time when we were perfect together.

Little did I know that the motorcycle would be the last time I would see him...when we sold it.

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get
Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get

boom boom boom, gotta get that
Boom boom boom, gotta get-that
Boom boom boom, gotta get-that
Boom boom boom, gotta get that

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom

I like that boom boom pow
I like that boom boom pow
(Gotta get-get) boom boom pow (gotta get-get)
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next now

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom

Yo, I got that hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow

That digital spit

Next level visual
I got that boom boom pow
How the beat bang, boom boom pow

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next now

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom
Let me get it now

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

I'm on the supersonic boom
Y'all hear the spaceship zoom
When, when I step inside the room
Them girls go ape-spit, uh

Y'all stuck on Super 8 shit
That low-fi stupid 8 bit
I'm on that HD flat

This beat go boom boom bap

I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

'Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town

People in the place
If you wanna get down
Put your hands in the air
Will.i.am drop the beat now

Yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, y-y-yup, yup

Here we go, here we go, satellite radio
Y'all gettin' hit with boom boom
Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom

Shittin' on y'all you with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the

This beat be bumpin', bumpin'
This beat go boom, boom

Let the beat rock
Let the beat rock

Let the beat rock

This beat be bumpin', bumpin'
This beat go boom, boom

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom boom boom
That future boom boom boom
Let me get it now

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

Let the beat rock
(Let the beat rock)
Let the beat rock
(Let the beat)
Let the beat rock

(Let the beat rock, rock, rock, rock)
~Black Eyed Peas

Monday, August 4, 2014

In Your Eyes

Wow! That escalated quick!! That look in his eyes was becoming all too familiar.  I had to make a quick decision...do I stand up for myself and argue or do I start crying? Leaving is not an option...mainly because I don't want to ever leave.  If I stand up for myself I know that he will continue to get more angry with me and it may turn into the time that I push him just a little too far.  If I start crying I know sooner than later he will calm down and try to comfort me.  I always cried.  I don't think I have ever cried as much in my life as I do now.  I'm not used to fighting.  My first husband and I never fought and when we had a disagreement we just talked it out.  Throwing things, breaking things, yelling, storming out...this is all new to me.  I didn't like it.  He definitely has anger issues.  It's like he has borderline personality disorder or is bi-polar.  One minute he is so in love with me and wants to marry me and the next minute he hates everything about me and looks like he is one step away from hitting me.  As his nasty words come flying out of his mouth I sit on the floor crying.  He has already grabbed all my clothes from the closet and thrown them out into the garage.  "Please, please can I just stay the night?  I will leave in the morning.  I don't want to wake the kids to leave," I begged.  He agreed to let me stay the night.  I was devastated.  I didn't sleep at all knowing that in the morning I would have to leave his home again and fight to get back in it.  As the morning came he rolled over and kissed me.  Huh? "Look, let's just forget about what happened last night and move on." So here I am laying in his bed wondering what the fuck was going on.  Last night he looked like he wanted to hit me and this morning he has on his beautiful smile.  I wish I knew what was going on in his head.  I bet he wishes he knew what was going on in my head.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
~Peter Gabriel

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Damn, I wish I was your lover

As I continue my roller coaster ride of trying to live without Evan I document my day every step of the way.  I remember this day as if it happened yesterday.

9/14/2009

Shit, I'm struggling so bad right now.  UGH! Evan texted me today to let me know how much he misses our kick ass sex.  What fuckin sucks is I miss it too!  Our sex life was off the freakin charts.  He said today that it was the best he has ever had.  He also reminded me that he still loved me, but we destroy each other when we are together.  With that being said he begged for sex.  It took everything I had to say no to him, but I did.  He wrote-please, please, please if you ever change your mind in that area, let me know.  My reply was-please, please, please if you ever change your mind about "us", let me know.  I could never separate my feelings for him from sex, he could.  So, although I really want to have sex with him, it would just be the start of me trying to convince him that I am the one for him.  I fucking hate this.  I just want to be with him so badly.  This fucking sucks.  I just want to be the one to make him happy and although I know I can't, it's so hard to accept.  I want him to want to be with me and not just for the sex.

Some days were good, some weren't.  But as the days went by I felt stronger knowing that he didn't feel the same about me as I did for him.

That old dog has chained you up, alright
Give you everything you need to live inside a twisted cage
Sleep beside an empty rage
I had a dream I was your hero

Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'd rock you 'til the daylight comes
Made sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything, tonight, I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind, and you won't feel ashamed

Open up on the inside
Gonna fill you up, gonna make you cry

This monkey can't stand to see you black and blue
I give you something sweet each time you come inside my jungle book
Or is it just too good?
Don't say you'll stay, 'cause then you go away

Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'd rock you 'til the daylight comes
Made sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything, tonight, I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind, and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks, for me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it
Damn, I wish I was your lover (oh, yeah)

If I was your girl, believe me
I'd turn on the Rolling Stones
We could groove along and feel much better (guess what)
Come, let me in, mm
I could do it forever and ever and ever and ever
Give me an hour to kiss you
Walk through Heaven's door I'm sure
We don't need no doctor to feel much better
Let me in, oh
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever

I sat on a mountainside with peace of mind
And I lay by the ocean making love to her with visions clear
Walked for days with no one near
And I return as chained and bound to you

Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'd rock you 'til the daylight comes
Made sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything, tonight, I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind, and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks, for me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it
Damn, I wish I was your lover

I wanna open up, I'm gonna come inside
I wanna fill you up, I wanna make you cry

Damn, I wish I was your lover
Gettin' on a subway, and I'm comin' uptown

Damn, I wish I was your lover
Standing on the street corner, waiting for my love to change

Damn, I wish I was your lover
And I'm feelin' like a school boy, too shy and too young, oh

Damn, I wish I was your lover
I wanna open up, I'm gonna come inside
I wanna fill you up, I wanna make you cry

Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'm gettin' on my camel, and I'll ride it uptown, oo

Damn, I wish I was your lover
Hanging around this jungle, wishing that this love would change
~Sophie B. Hawkins

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Follow You, Follow Me

It was going to be a great night. Evan and I were heading to the Flyers game. We would be using tickets that he had given to me at Christmas. I do love me some hockey. As I arrived at his house, late of course, he was already in a pissy mood. "What's wrong," not sure why I asked because I already knew the answer. "You're late. Where were you?" This was the normal for me. I was late, he gets pissed, assumes I was doing the worst of the worst. He had a right to be worried considering my track record of being caught in my stupid lies but this time I was legit late. The car ride was silent. We didn't talk, didn't hold hands...sucked. The game was action packed and I wasn't going to let our "argument" ruin it. The car ride home was worse. As we got in the car he started texting someone. I immediately jumped to conclusions. He texted a few more times and I didn't ask because in my head I had already convinced myself it was bad. Silence the whole ride home. It was becoming our "normal". We finally arrived back at his place and I headed right to the bedroom so I could sleep off my anxiety. As I opened the double doors to the bedroom it was dark except for tons of lit candles all over the room. It took me a second to even notice the roses on the dresser. In the background my favorite slow song was playing...on repeat. Come to find out he was texting his son on the ride home so he could set everything up. All I could do was stand in the corner and cry. "Happy Anniversary baby," he said with a half smile. I didn't even remember. I wanted to crawl in a hole. Why do I have to be so fucked up in the head.

Stay with me
My love, I hope you'll always be
Right here by my side if ever I need you
Oh, my love

In your arms
I feel so safe and so secure
And everyday is such a perfect day to spend
Alone with you

I will follow you, will you follow me?
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you, will you stay with me?
Just one single tear in each passing year

With the dark
Oh, I see so very clearly now
All my fears are drifting by me
So slowly now, fading away

I can say
The night is long but you are here
Close at hand, oh, I'm better for the smile you give
And while I live

I will follow you, will you follow me?
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you, will you stay with me?
Just one single tear in each passing year there will be

I will follow you, will you follow me?
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you, will you stay with me?
Just one single tear in each passing year

I will follow you, will you follow me?
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you, will you stay with me?
Just one single tear in each passing year

I will follow you, will you follow me?
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you, will you stay with me?

~Genesis

Friday, August 1, 2014

Jar of Hearts

It's October again and I find myself alone. Evan has clearly moved on and wants nothing to do with me and the whole random guy dating thing has seriously lost its appeal. I'm starting to feel low again...I'm starting to hear his words again, no one will ever want you.  I was getting no relief at work and was really hating my job.  Caty was the only thing that made my days at work enjoyable.  Our friendship was stronger than ever and I valued all her advice over the last year. Another crappy day finished up and Caty and I walked to our cars.  It was never a quick exit because we always seemed to stand in the parking lot for awhile chatting.  We made it to my car and I noticed a piece of paper wedged into my side mirror.
 
 
Jennifer
It's Joe
Call or Email me
I really need to talk to you
555-555-5555
 
 
"Are you fucking kidding me," those words came out of my mouth without hesitation. "What is it," Caty asked?  "Remember the dick that ran off and got married while we were dating?  It's from him."  "Oh my God, what are you going to do?"  I wasn't sure what to do.  What could this "man" possibly have to talk to me about? What "line" would I fall for this time?  Seriously...who does he think he is?
 
My ride home was a blur.  My head was going in 100 different ways from I wonder what he wants to Fuck Off and everything in between.  As the night rolled on my curiosity got the best of me.
 
From: ME
Subject: WHAT?
 
I hit send
 
and waited
 
About an hour later I got my reply.
 
To: ME
Subject: WHAT?
 
Jennifer, thank you so much for contacting me.  I have so much I need to say to you but I have a feeling your not going to let me say it in person so I'm going to write it all here.  It's been almost a year since I've gotten married and it's really bad.  Alicia and I moved out and are living in the garage that I converted into an apartment.  Robin is drunk all the time.  I'm filing for divorce tomorrow.  Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you.  I just had to buy my time.  My lawyer advised me that If I got back together with her and had my daughter with me for a year and I could show that I was the one supporting her it would make it easier for me to get custody of Alicia.  When I went to breakfast that morning I was going to ask her to get back together but she refused unless we got married.  I had to do it for my daughter.  I hope you can understand that.  She is my world and I did what I had to do to get her.  I talked with my lawyer yesterday and he said I had enough proof for the courts that she is not fit to take Alicia.  I bought my time and now I can finally have what I want. I know what happened was a shock to you and I'm sorry but I had to cut all ties right away so I could focus on getting Alicia. I only wanted two things in my life, you and Alicia.  I had to pick and I picked my daughter.  I realize now that I could have gotten her with you by my side.  Now that I have Alicia I want you.  I am willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.  You were the best I had ever had.  I never stopped loving you.
 
I must have read the email 100 times.  Is he feeding me lines, does he mean what he says?  My head was spinning and I needed to sleep it off.
 
The next day I ignored Caty's advice and I wrote him back.  I saw him that evening.  I never felt lower about myself than I did that night.  I had to prove to Evan that someone would want me.
 
I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?
~Christina Perri