Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Why did I do what I did?

It's the day before Thanksgiving and instead of getting ready to be with family I was returning mine. It would be my first Thanksgiving without my kids. It was a bitter sweet night...I was saying good bye to my kids for the Holiday but I would be returning to Evan that night. I cherished my nights at his place. My home was a dump, half the time I didn't have heat or hot water. It was like a vacation staying at his place, but most importantly it would mean more time getting to know him. After dropping the kids at their dads I headed home to pack for a weeks stay away from home. As I was driving home I got a call from Jeff. "It's the biggest bar night of the year, wanna grab a drink?" Of course I hesitated before I spoke, "sure." My heart sank. I knew in that instant I was doing something wrong. Although Jeff had feelings for me I had none for him. Evan was the only one I wanted to be with. So why did I agree to grab a drink with Jeff? It was simple...attention. I needed a lot of attention. After being in a monogamous relationship for 17 years and then having others say things to you that you hadn't heard in nearly 20 years makes you crave more. I was beautiful to some, funny to others, fun to be around to many.

When Jeff showed up at my place we hopped in his car and went to the local bar. We weren't able to sit because the bar was so crowded. It was ridiculous. We couldn't sit, we couldn't talk because it was so loud in there that we agreed to down our drinks quick and head out. As we headed to the car I realized that my phone was going crazy. Calls, texts Where are you? Are you ok? Call me. I'm worried. All from Evan and my heart sank further. "Jeff, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it. We can get together another time I think I just want to go home." He didn't put up a fight and drove me straight home. No good bye kiss just a nice hug before he drove off. I had no interest in kissing anyone other than Evan. I quickly texted him Sorry. Got caught up. Packing and then will be on my way. The reply came fast The front door will be unlocked. 

I packed swiftly and drove even faster. With a heavy heart I walked into his home. It was late and he was already in bed. I was hoping that I could sneak in beside him without waking him but the reality was he wasn't sleeping at all. Instead he was laying there worrying about me...for hours. "What happened? Where were you?" I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was pissed but also concerned. "My sister was at the house and we stood outside talking for awhile." The lie came out of my mouth way too easy. "Why didn't you text me then?" "My phone was in the car. I didn't get your messages until I left." The snowball effect was beginning. He cuddled up next to me and I assumed he believed my lies until..."Why does your hair smell like cigarettes?" Fuck. They were smoking in the bar. "My sister was smoking." With that he rolled over and didn't say another word. I cried myself to sleep that night. Not sure if he heard me or not. If he did, he didn't care. I thought about all the reasons I shouldn't be dating anyone. My low self esteem, my need for outside attention, I hadn't given myself time to deal with my divorce, my lack of responsibility (I was living alone for the first time in my life and failing miserably). With all my thoughts about why I shouldn't date I always came back to that one thing...Evan. I had never been so in love and wanted something so much. I would lie to keep him.



I've got a way
Of making everything a confrontation
And you've got a way
Of bringing out the worst in me

You see it's just if I'm bored
I'll find a way to make an accusation
I've got a problem with more
So gimme, gimme everything

Stop! Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when the song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get back to you
That's just my signature move

You call me cray(cray)zy
And I think it's mean
I just don't like it
(Like it, like it)
I'm just a sensitive ba(bay)by
And you need to please me right
(Better please me)
(Better please me right)

You know I said I would change, (change)
I did, I went and tried a different outfit
(Didn't, didn't fit, feel you knowing it)
And if that's not enough, (no)
You won't be riding dirty tonight

Stop! Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when my song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get back to you, (yeah)
That's just my signature move

(That's just my signature move)
(You're just my signature move)
(That's just my signature move)

I start fights in my dreams
I ki-ki-kick off the sheets
I don't apologize
Or you wouldn't see it in my eyes

I'm not a good best friend
If there's a rule, I will bend
Now makes it trouble for you
It's all I know how to do
I'm not responsib-, stop!

(Haha, yep!)

Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when my song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true, (oh)!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get it back to you, (yeah)
That's just my signature move
~Pink

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