Thursday, July 31, 2014

How could you be so heartless...


The week before Halloween had arrived and I spoke with Joe on the phone that morning.  “I’m really hoping that this goes the way I want it to go.”  You see, Joe was meeting with his daughter’s drunken mother to discuss visitation.  His daughter was not happy when she went over to her mother’s so Joe was hoping to limit the contact.  “Just stick to your guns and make sure you keep Alicia’s best interest at heart.”  This was my advice to him and I knew he would follow it to a “T”.  “Thanks babe.  I’ll call you in about 3 hours when I’m finished talking to her.  I love you.”  These were his parting words to me on the phone.  I replied with “I love you too” and hung up the phone.  The following hours at work had been dragging.  I was so worried for him and Alicia.  I already loved that little girl like she was my own daughter.  After all the things her mother had put her through, you knew that she would need some sort of counseling at some point.  I wanted so badly to give this little girl a “normal” female figure in her life.  I wanted to be that person for her.  4 hours, 5 hours, 6 hours….hmmmm.  Why hasn’t he called me?  I decided to interrupt his little meeting with the baby mama and call him.  “I’m sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected.  Please check the number and try again.”  Excuse me??? I called back…same message.  Okay, what the fuck was going on?  I texted his friend Brad...

Hey, it’s Jennifer.  I tried calling Joe but his number is disconnected? What’s up?

A few minutes passed and Brad replied…

I don’t know.  I’m actually on my way to his place now.  I will let you know.

It was close to quitting time so I figured I could wait a little longer to get some answers.

Thanks Brad!  I was planning on going to his place after work.  I will see you there.

About an hour later my phone rang…it was Brad.  “Ummm, Jennifer…I don’t even know how to say this to you.”  “What’s up, Brad?” I could feel the lump in my throat as I asked.  His voice was shaky, “I’m not even sure what the hell happened but Robin is moving back in.”  “I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say?” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.  Brad continued, “It seems as though they met today so he could help her move her stuff back into the house.  But there is more.”  Oh cut me a fucking break!  More????!  “They are getting married.  I’m so sorry Jennifer.  You are such a nice girl.  I can’t believe he did this to you.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m so sorry.”  Brad was at a loss for words, as was I.  I had about a zillion emotions rushing through me and I didn’t even know which one was the prominent one.  I was crushed, pissed, angry, mad, hurt, jealous, shocked, broken-hearted, you name it…I was feeling it.  It was only an hour left until I could leave work but I requested to go home early.  I wasn’t going to be much use in the office crying.  After I got home, I texted Brad…

Brad, I think I’m in shock! WTF!!!?

I do believe that shock was the feeling that was starting to overtake me.  Brad replied…

OMG Jennifer!  This is crazy.  Henry and I have been trying to talk some sense into him but he’s not listening.

Every time I bring up your name he just replies with the same comment.

Like the inquisitive, dumb ass that I am…I replied…

What is the comment?

My heart sank as I read the incoming text…

That dumb bitch fell for every line in the book.
 
 
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul
To a man so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... how could you be so heartless?

How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo?
Just remember that you talkin' to me, yo
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into

Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end, it's still so lonely

In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul
To a man so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... how could you be so heartless?

How could you be so Dr. Evil?
You bringin' out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does he be so mad at me fo'?
Homie I don't know, he's hot and cold

I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul
To a man so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... how could you be so heartless?

Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me

And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...

...I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul
To a man so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... how could you be so heartless?
~Kanye West (revised)

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Why did I do what I did?

It's the day before Thanksgiving and instead of getting ready to be with family I was returning mine. It would be my first Thanksgiving without my kids. It was a bitter sweet night...I was saying good bye to my kids for the Holiday but I would be returning to Evan that night. I cherished my nights at his place. My home was a dump, half the time I didn't have heat or hot water. It was like a vacation staying at his place, but most importantly it would mean more time getting to know him. After dropping the kids at their dads I headed home to pack for a weeks stay away from home. As I was driving home I got a call from Jeff. "It's the biggest bar night of the year, wanna grab a drink?" Of course I hesitated before I spoke, "sure." My heart sank. I knew in that instant I was doing something wrong. Although Jeff had feelings for me I had none for him. Evan was the only one I wanted to be with. So why did I agree to grab a drink with Jeff? It was simple...attention. I needed a lot of attention. After being in a monogamous relationship for 17 years and then having others say things to you that you hadn't heard in nearly 20 years makes you crave more. I was beautiful to some, funny to others, fun to be around to many.

When Jeff showed up at my place we hopped in his car and went to the local bar. We weren't able to sit because the bar was so crowded. It was ridiculous. We couldn't sit, we couldn't talk because it was so loud in there that we agreed to down our drinks quick and head out. As we headed to the car I realized that my phone was going crazy. Calls, texts Where are you? Are you ok? Call me. I'm worried. All from Evan and my heart sank further. "Jeff, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it. We can get together another time I think I just want to go home." He didn't put up a fight and drove me straight home. No good bye kiss just a nice hug before he drove off. I had no interest in kissing anyone other than Evan. I quickly texted him Sorry. Got caught up. Packing and then will be on my way. The reply came fast The front door will be unlocked. 

I packed swiftly and drove even faster. With a heavy heart I walked into his home. It was late and he was already in bed. I was hoping that I could sneak in beside him without waking him but the reality was he wasn't sleeping at all. Instead he was laying there worrying about me...for hours. "What happened? Where were you?" I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was pissed but also concerned. "My sister was at the house and we stood outside talking for awhile." The lie came out of my mouth way too easy. "Why didn't you text me then?" "My phone was in the car. I didn't get your messages until I left." The snowball effect was beginning. He cuddled up next to me and I assumed he believed my lies until..."Why does your hair smell like cigarettes?" Fuck. They were smoking in the bar. "My sister was smoking." With that he rolled over and didn't say another word. I cried myself to sleep that night. Not sure if he heard me or not. If he did, he didn't care. I thought about all the reasons I shouldn't be dating anyone. My low self esteem, my need for outside attention, I hadn't given myself time to deal with my divorce, my lack of responsibility (I was living alone for the first time in my life and failing miserably). With all my thoughts about why I shouldn't date I always came back to that one thing...Evan. I had never been so in love and wanted something so much. I would lie to keep him.



I've got a way
Of making everything a confrontation
And you've got a way
Of bringing out the worst in me

You see it's just if I'm bored
I'll find a way to make an accusation
I've got a problem with more
So gimme, gimme everything

Stop! Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when the song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get back to you
That's just my signature move

You call me cray(cray)zy
And I think it's mean
I just don't like it
(Like it, like it)
I'm just a sensitive ba(bay)by
And you need to please me right
(Better please me)
(Better please me right)

You know I said I would change, (change)
I did, I went and tried a different outfit
(Didn't, didn't fit, feel you knowing it)
And if that's not enough, (no)
You won't be riding dirty tonight

Stop! Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when my song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get back to you, (yeah)
That's just my signature move

(That's just my signature move)
(You're just my signature move)
(That's just my signature move)

I start fights in my dreams
I ki-ki-kick off the sheets
I don't apologize
Or you wouldn't see it in my eyes

I'm not a good best friend
If there's a rule, I will bend
Now makes it trouble for you
It's all I know how to do
I'm not responsib-, stop!

(Haha, yep!)

Not my fault, not at all!
I can't help you! What you want?
Get in line! Take a number!
Get you when my song is over
If you leave it up to me
I'll make a lie out of truth
It's true, (oh)!
And then I'll break it up
Make it bleed, tell you that it's
You not me, make a scene
At a show, just because the wind blows
Shoot myself in the foot
To make a point I can't prove
To get it back to you, (yeah)
That's just my signature move
~Pink

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

If I lay here

Walking hand in hand down the strip...I felt like nothing could stop me, nothing could stop us. Like always the crying had stopped and the yelling subsided. That look in his eyes changed again to show me how much he loved me. It was a fine line I was walking. The eggshells were one step away from cracking. We never really talked much but it seemed different right now. We are talking and smiling and laughing and just loving being together. With a sudden jolt he grabbed my other hand and tossed me in the grass next to the sidewalk. We were both laying on our backs, hand in hand and laughing. The fun, playful Evan was the best. People walked by staring but we didn't care. We just layed and stared into the beautiful sky. We were a team...but only for a little longer.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
~Snow Patrol

Monday, July 28, 2014

I'm sorry...

Here I was, sitting at the airport terminal holding his hand tightly and scared to death to board the plane. I hadn't been on a plane since 9/11 and my anxiety was high. Our row was called and as we stood to start loading I clenched his hand even harder. He flashed his beautiful smile and I felt safe. I took the middle seat between him and another man. "Can I goto the bathroom now before the plane takes off?" I looked at him with nervous eyes. "Yeah, but do you have your money with you," he said with a straight face. "Ummmm, no. Why do I need money to use the bathroom?" I was completely confused. "You know how I told you they charge for everything? Well, you have to pay for toilet paper also." The stranger sitting next to me started to laugh. "Huh? You can't be serious," I said with now an even more confused look. Just then he burst out laughing. "You're so stupid sometimes. Just goto the bathroom." As I was walking away I could hear him laughing with the stranger. I was getting used to being the butt of his jokes. He had a way of making me feel like the dumbest person on Earth.

The flight was long. It was scheduled to be a 5 1/2 hour flight. I did my best to keep myself occupied. If I wasn't sleeping I was reading the latest trash mag. Both guys on either side of me slept most of the time. In my opinion I did fairly well with keeping my anxiety in check. I kept in mind how excited I was to be going to Vegas. I had never been there before and I had a feeling it was going to be an epic trip. As the pilot announced our arrival and went over the procedures for landing the stranger next to me asked, "Is this your first time in Vegas?" "Yeah, I'm pretty excited. Is this your first time?" "No," he replied "I fly out here all the time. I'm a dj. I'm working tonight at the Hard Rock. Would you be interested in coming? I can put you on the guest list?" I looked over at him with anticipation. He knew how much I loved dancing. "Sure, we would love to come." "Great! What's your names? I will send an email to them now to have you put on the guest list." As I gave him our names I couldn't stop smiling. I knew it...epic trip I tell ya!  As the stranger headed off the plane I looked over and saw that all too familiar look in Evan's eyes. "What's wrong," I said with nervousness in my voice. "I can't believe you were flirting with that guy right in front of me." Huh? What? "What are you talking about?" "You talked to him more than you talked to me. I know how much you love to dance and he's a dj. Maybe you could spend your vacation with him. Seemed like you wanted to." It was the look and the tone of voice I had become to know very well. I knew I did nothing wrong and yet he always had a way of making me feel like a huge piece of shit. "Evan, I wasn't flirting. I was just talking to him." "Whatever, let's get off and get our bags." With that he walked right by me leaving me to catch up to him. The tears started to roll down my face. It was my comfort zone. I knew if I cried he would end up coming back around to me.

I started my vacation crying...little did I know that I would end it the same way. This would be a vacation that would change my life forever.


Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back.
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

This time I think, I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry


Every single day, I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah

Sorry
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry


~Buckcherry

Friday, July 25, 2014

It's been a long time...

Stepping off the private elevator I stopped and stared as I entered the suite. It was beautiful and huge and nothing like I had ever seen before. I quickly wandered over to the huge window and looked out over the city lights. I felt like the world was in my hands. I could stare out this window for the rest of my life. It wasn't long before my thoughts were interrupted as he put his hands around my waist from behind. Pushing my hair off to the side he began to kiss my neck. As I slowly turned to face him we engaged in a kiss. A deep kiss full of passion and energy. Time stood still...or so it seemed. With a flawless move he had my jeans around my ankles.  "If we continue we may miss our dinner reservations," I say while trying to catch my breathe.  "I would rather have you for dinner," he says as he lifts my shirt over my head. Naked and in front of this beautiful man that I consider my soul mate. He lifts me and lays me on the beautiful glass top dining table. As the cold stings through my body I am able to catch a glimpse of him slipping out of his jeans. He's already hard. He's hard for me. Without any foreplay he slams into me shifting me across the table. I instantly grab onto the sides of the table for leverage. He pounds himself into me deeper and deeper and I can feel him so far inside me. Just as I'm getting my bearings  he lifts me  up. "Face the window," he says with desire in his eyes. I do as I'm told because the only thing I can think about is pleasing him. I place my hands firmly on the window and bend over bracing myself knowing that he is going to take me from behind. With a quick thrust he is in me again. As I rock back and force to meet each thrust I look up. Tons of people below the lights and all going about their business. I feel powerful. I feel dirty. "We have to make this quick if we want that dinner," he says as I can tell he's getting ready to come. With a few more jolts I'm torn apart. Coming all around him and he has filled me up inside. We both drop to the floor staring at each other. "You are so beautiful." The words linger in the air as I take it all in. Him, my orgasm, the suite, the city and I know that  this is more than I could have ever dreamed of. As I rise off the floor the large window is again in front of me and I can only notice one thing this time, my hand prints on the glass. I peak over at the glass top table and see my ass print. I smile. I am his. 


My summer reads are > than yours