Sunday, December 14, 2014

Change

Change is a word that I can definitely relate to. My personality has changed so much over the last 10 years that people have noticed. When I was married I played the good wife role. I balanced the check book, I took care of the kids, I went through each day...not really living, just going through the motions. Then I decided I didn't want to just go through the motions anymore...I want to live each day. I got divorced and shocked the hell out of everyone that knew me. I did some counseling to help me deal with my sex issue that took place when I was a teenager and set out to live a FULL life. Unfortunately I made a huge life mistake. I went off my antidepressants. I felt like I wanted to live without being medicated. I didn't go off my meds completely just cut them in half. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this...in fact I lied and told everyone I was fine. The incorrect dosage of my meds and a crappy first boyfriend led to some really tough times for me. I literally turned into someone I didn't even recognize in the mirror. I was ugly...inside and out. I gained weight, I lied, I seemed to have one emotion...crying. Even when shit went down on that airplane and I started serious counseling, I still held off on taking all my meds. It wasn't until about Septembet/October that I did some counseling to deal with my divorce and what was really going on inside. I realized that meds was just something I needed in my life. I'm not ashamed of it now. For the first time in my life I finally feel like the person I want to be. I always said I wanted to be who I was years ago when I was first married but I was wrong. I'm so much different now and I know it's who I'm supposed to be. I'm fun, I'm open, I'm  honest, I'm sexual, I'm beautiful, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm happy, I'm living. I'm wearing the clothes I want to wear, I've shaved my head bald for my daughter, I'm getting tattooed, I'm getting pierced, and I'm just living. Smiling instead of crying. Laughing instead of lying. I thank God everyday for allowing me to realize my faults, change them and accept them. I thank God everyday for the medication I am on. I'm not a good person without them and I've hurt people in my life when I gave them up. But, I can't change that...I can only forgive myself and move forward. 

"Change"

And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again and
You know it’s all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it
But I believe in whatever you do
And I’ll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah

So we’ve been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair
We’re getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we’re faster and never scared
You can walk away, say we don’t need this
But there’s something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees
Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives
But we’ll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah
Hallelujah
~Taylor Swift 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Memories

I remember how it all played out. I got the call that my dad was heading to Philadelphia to say his final goodbyes to his mother, my mom-mom. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come get the kids then I would go pick up my mother so we could head to the hospital. When I arrived at my parents house my mother informed me that she had gotten the call that my grandmother had passed. We didn't have any way of reaching my dad since he was en route there. Driving to that hospital was horrible. So many emotions. Knowing that my dad was going to arrive at the hospital too late. Knowing that he would walk into the hospital room not knowing she was already gone. My mom and I talked in the car without any issues. I filled her in on my never ending battle to win back my ex (an ex she didn't approve of). For the first time she actually seemed happy for me when I told her we were going to give it one more shot. When we arrived at the hospital my dad was nowhere to be found. We walked into my grandmothers room and saw her. I wish I didn't see her that way. She looked completely different. She didn't look like the strong, beautiful woman that I always strived to be like. We didn't stay very long after saying our last words. We headed to her apartment where we found my dad. We spent the night at her apartment because in the morning we would need to start going through her things. My parents slept in her bed...and cried, I'm sure. I headed to the couch where I needed to be comforted by the one person I wanted so badly. Unfortunately I cried the whole night on that couch. I was overwhelmed with grief about my grandmother but wasn't able to mourn her passing that night. You see, my ex and I were both on a dating site again. He refused to leave the site even though we were going to try again. He said he wanted to stay on it because he had no friends. He needed to make friends. He needed the distraction. I was on it to make him jealous. I'll never forget the line he used when we first met on that site...definitely something about you. I had a history of cheating on him...never physically, just emotionally. He had a history of checking up on me...emails, texts, phone records, my whereabouts. As much as he needed to know I wasn't up to my old tricks, I needed to know the same. I wrote a guy on the dating site. I used his line. I did it to see if he would back into my account to check up on me. I wasn't interested in a single one of those guys. I only wanted to be with him.

That night as I laid on my grandmothers couch hoping he would give me the comfort I needed through his words he struck. He had hacked into my account, read my messages, and threw it back in my face. He called me some very nasty names and he made sure I knew it was definitely over. At a time when I needed him to help me heal over my loss, he knocked me down into my own grave. I did what I had to do and he did what he needed to do. Neither of us came out winning. I hurt his heart again and he made me feel his pain...again. It was our never ending cycle.

I had a male friend that had been trying to become more than friends. He sent me flowers with a beautiful card attached when he found out about my grandmother. He was the only one that reached out to me. Even with the flowers and his kind words, I couldn't let him in. I didn't want him. My heart belonged to the one that kept breaking it. I feel like I never really was allowed to mourn her passing the way I should have because I was too busy mourning the loss of the one that stole my heart.

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp sputters
Soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life and
I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale court smell of morning
A street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you'll touch me,
You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...
~Barbra Streisand

Monday, November 24, 2014

In Your Eyes...

I want to fuck you.  No, I NEED to fuck you.  I want that chance to look right into your eyes and say, "Fuck Me".  I want to see the passion in your eyes.  I want to see the heat in your eyes and while you are fucking me I want to scream.  I want you to know how good you make me feel when you are deep inside me.  I want you to talk dirty to me while you are pulling me across the bed.  I want it rough.  I want you to pound into me so I can really feel it.  Just as you are close to your release I want to whisper in your ear, "come in me".  I want you to come in me.  I want to feel your release in me.  Part of me wants to taste you but just one time I want to feel it in me.  I want you to ask me if I want to be fucked again.  I want you to say anything you want to me.  Do anything you want to me.  To my body.  I want to see it.  I want to feel it...just one more time.


love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
~Peter Gabriel

Friday, September 26, 2014

Freedom

The best thing about this blog is that it is MINE.  MY words, MY feelings, MY stories.  I can say anything I want and I can use this blog to vent, share and most importantly heal.  For me the best way to heal is to talk in any way possible.  Healing my past regrets and mistakes is huge for me.  I thought so badly about myself for so long that I was stuck in a rut.  I talked to counselors and they gave me advice and suggestions on how to help myself heal but until you speak to someone who has been through what you have and can relate to you on that very personal level it doesn't really sink in.  I've been healthy, healed and happy for several years now.  I took a huge step in healing when I reached out and extended the olive branch a few years ago to someone that has used the word "hate" to describe me.  I wasn't asking for her friendship just a chance for both of us to heal.  I am happy to say she accepted my offer with open arms.  She's been where I have been.  We shared good and bad stories.  We both agreed that we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with him.  We were both wrong.  She opened my eyes to a lot of things that went on behind the scenes.  Things I am blessed to say never happened to me.  I always said that when we fought he looked like he was one step away from hitting me.  With her...he took that step.

He had me questioning my sanity at the end, but I know that was how his twisted mind perceived things. He would go back and forth between it being all his fault and none of his fault. He would love me forever, he never wanted to talk to me again. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder and the diagnosis fits him to a t. He needs help.
 
 
She gets it.  She really gets it.  The words she wrote to me where exactly what I felt, what I was thinking.  We chatted back and forth a few times and the stories between us sparked a mutual respect for each other.  I know why I did what I did during that time.  She realized at the end why I did what I did and my explanation only clarified what she thought.  We both feel bad for him.  We both wish things could have been different.  We both feel bad for whoever will be next.  I pray for him.  I pray for the her and I pray for the next one.  It was only a short period of time with him but he changed my life drastically.  Do I still have feelings for him? Yes and No.  I do wonder if things would have been different for us if I was healthy at the time.  Would we have moved in together?  Would we have gotten married?  Would we have had a child together?  Would we still be together?  Sometimes I think they would be different but then I doubt it.  He had issues that extended past my issues and they weren't going away anytime soon.  I doubt they have gone away since.  In the end he never really took blame for anything he ever did and insisted that I was the issue the whole time.  I may have enhanced his issues but I surely didn't create them.
 
Sometimes I still think that I have open wounds surrounding him.  Sometimes I think that if I just talked to him face to face and got everything out that it would all just fade away.  I will never take that step to contact him.  I will never take that step to see him again.  But if fate makes us cross paths again one day I wouldn't mind just talking.  Not yelling, not trying to catch each other in a lie, just talking.  I did almost run into him at a mall a few months ago and briefly thought about approaching him but he was with his kids and I was with mine.  I grabbed my kids and we left.  It wasn't the right time or place.
 
But I can say the biggest part of healing to date was talking to someone that could relate to me and knew exactly what I was trying to say.  She knew what I was feeling.  I think if I ever needed to completely close the chapter I would need to speak to him.  So for that reason...I live in a never ending story.

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because i would really, really love to stick around

Heaven knows i was just a young boy
Didn't know what i wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy
And i guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way i play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get me some happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time i told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these ties and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you rake
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy

What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big-shot good time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy 
~George Michael
 


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Say Something...

My heart is racing. Why does it have to be this way? It shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't bother me but it does. More than I would like to admit. When will the cycle end? When will the feelings be gone? When will I be able to accept that he's not coming back...ever? Although I say I have forgiven myself for what I have done it's just not good enough. I need him. I need his forgiveness. I need him to say it. I need him to say "I want to know the real you." But he won't...ever. He's the one. I can feel it. I know this. I wish I was his one. But I won't be...not ever. I don't need a lot. I just need him.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...
~A Great Big World

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Email

First, thank you to everyone that follows my blog either through the site or through email. Second, I know the comment section is not working so if you follow my blog could you please email me at jenbrandis@yahoo.com? I have a question for all my followers :)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Daydream Believer

It feels like a lifetime since I've seen Evan. I spend my days getting more depressed praying and hoping he still loves me. Hoping he still thinks of me. I'm feeling very alone today and all my thoughts are about contacting him. I know it will only push him further away but I just can't shake my feelings for him. I'm thinking a midday nap is in order to try and make the time pass. They say you dream about the last thing you think of before you fall asleep. This must be true because I had the most vivid dream of Evan. I dreamt of the life we could have had together. All living under one roof, lots of smiles and laughs, a healthy me. I had my medication balanced and I was finally the me I was before. Sharing a healthy me with Evan was always a dream. We were at his house, a picnic with friends and family in the backyard. Everyone was laughing and smiling. I went up behind Evan and put my arms around him. I could smell him. I could feel his body against mine. We fit perfectly together. He pulled me around to the front of him and held me in the biggest bear hug ever. The feeling of being in his arms was always overwhelming. It was comfort to me. We sat down on lawn chairs next to each other. I reached my hand over and placed it on his upper thigh. I could feel his leg muscle through his jeans. I could feel the texture of his jeans. He looked over and gave me that beautiful smile. All I ever wanted to do was make him smile. Only in my dreams was I able to do that. I didn't want to open my eyes when I woke because I knew I would realize it was only a dream. I'm wide awake now. Wanting only one thing...to contact him even more. Should I text him? Should I email him? Should I send him a message on Facebook? Will he ever contact me again? Will I ever hear his voice again? Will I ever touch him again? Yes, in my dreams.

Every night I rush to my bed
with hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you
When I close my eyes
I'm goin outta my head
Lost in a fairytale
Can you hold my hands and be my guide
Clouds filled with stars cover your skies
and I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where
Baby long as you're here
I'll be floatin on air cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
I mention you when I say my prayers
I wrap you around all of my thoughts
Boy you my temporary high
I wish that when I wake up youre there
So wrap your arms around me for real
and tell me you'll stay by side
Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
and I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where
Baby long as you're here
I'll be floatin on air cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Tattoo your name across my heart
So it will remain
Not even death could make us part
What kind of dream is this?
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
~Beyoncé

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Do I really matter?

Evan had a very large master suite with a beautiful queen sized bed but he hated it. He only hated his bed because of my dog. He hated that my dog slept on the bed with us so he wanted a king size bed to get away from the dog...or from me...who knows. After purchasing the king size version of the bed he already had we headed to the mattress store. "I want you to help pick out the mattress because it's going to be your bed also." His words made me so happy. Purchasing things together and helping to decorate his home with my style made me feel loved. I always knew in the back of my mind that my depression and low self esteem would ultimately take over and everything we built together would be gone. "I can't sleep on tempurpedic beds. I had one with my ex husband and I didn't sleep through the night once." I never weighed a lot so the mattress wouldn't form to my body. It was like sleeping on concrete. Hated it. With that being said I still wanted Evan to try out all the mattresses. It was his money and no matter what he said to me I knew it would never be MY bed. We spent a few hours there checking out all the options. We finally narrowed it down to 2 that we both liked. "I'm going to stop after work tomorrow and purchase one. I want it to be a surprise for you." He made me smile. It's the little things.
Delivery day came for the mattress and he had it all set up when I arrived at his house after work. I jumped on in excitement. "Ugh. Which one did you pick," the disappointment was written all over my face. "I decided to go with one that was part tempurpedic." Are you fucking kidding me?? "I told you I can't sleep on these things." "I know what you said but I like it." This was pretty much how it always went. He would make me feel important, involved and his equal and them would turn around and do whatever he wanted anyway. He had a knack for making me feel unwanted, unvalued and pretty much like shit.

I tried to love you I thought I could
I tried to own you I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel you should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

Cheating myself still you know more
It would be so easy with a whore
Try to understand me little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
I still love you, but, I still burn

Yeah, Love, hate, love [3x]
Oooh, Love, hate, love
Yeah, Love, hate, love
~Alice in Chains

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Feeling inspired

I've been working hard on my book and sharing bits and pieces of it here on my blog. I just want to thank everyone who has read the posts and given me their input. You all keep me inspired to write. I'm excited to say that the book should finally be finished soon. Loooong time coming. I'm very excited. I'm sure when certain people get wind that the book is out there they won't be very happy but this is my life and I'm going to continue living it. I'm also excited to say that I have book 2 in place!! This is a very exciting and busy time for me and your input has helped me continue on.

I apologize for the comment section not working but I appreciate all the private messages I have received!

THANK YOU ALL!!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I kissed a girl...

"I'm not feeling it," she said as she got off me and stood at the end of the bed. The alcohol was wearing off, she was sobering up. Her husband just laid there so I went over to her. Both of us standing naked, feeling vulnerable. She was the first girl I had kissed, the first girl I would be naked with, the only girl. I tried to convince her that everything was ok, to come back to bed, to let Evan or her husband please her. She was confused, lost, scared. She left the bedroom and sat on a chair in the living room. It was obvious our foursome was over. Evan and I got dressed but I didn't want to leave. I was still feeling the alcohol and didn't want it to end. I liked it. I liked being the center of the attention. Attention from Evan, from a strange man, from a woman. They all wanted to please me and I wanted it. Evan could tell that I was pushing too hard to convince this now sober woman to try again so he picked me up and flung me over his shoulder. "That was fucking hot," Evan said as we headed home in the car. "I think I liked it more than I should," I said with a sly smirk on my face. We didn't live far from their place so the drive was short. I replayed the events in my head over and over and when we got back to our bedroom I was so charged up that I attacked. Evan was naked before he even hit the bed. I had my fun...with her, now I wanted to please him.

He was hard and ready to go. So big, so hard. I straddled him getting ready to put my lips on his cock. So deep, I never gagged. I stroked him with my hard following my mouth up and down. Teasing the tip of his cock with my tongue. I peaked up to catch his reaction and he was feeling it. The look in his eyes, I knew he wanted me. I knew I could make him happy. He made it last and I was more than happy to invest the time. Rubbing, licking, sucking  kissing his cock until he couldn't hold it any longer. "I'm gonna cum," his voice was strained. With his release he filled my mouth and I swallowed. He always tasted so good. I leaned up and put my lips on his. I wanted him to taste himself. I wanted him to taste the passion.
This was never the way I planned, not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion
It's not what I'm used to, just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you caught my attention
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter
You're my experimental game, just human nature
It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave
My head gets so confused, hard to obey
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
Us girls we are so magical, soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist, so touchable, too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
~Katy Perry

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The good times and the bad

We had fights. We had a lot of fights. Some initiated by me and some by him. I don't think it's healthy for me to point fingers as to which one was really at fault. I always knew one thing though...I couldn't live without this man. I didn't want to live without him. I knew deep down that I would get healthy again and he would see the real me. We tried to enjoy the times when we were good together. Fun with the kids, being silly, rides on the motorcycle and writing on the bathroom mirror. We tried to top each other with ridiculous things to say how much we loved it each other. Evan had a large bathroom with large mirrors and we had words and sayings written all over them. I would always smile when I would see them. When we would fight all I would have to do is read the words in the bathroom. It would always calm me down and bring me to a happy place. I don't think he knew just how much those mirror words meant to me.

During my search on how to make myself better without letting him know just how bad I was, Evan decided he couldn't hold on anymore. We just weren't compatible. I convinced him to let me come over so we could talk. We sat on opposite sides of the living room with very little to say. He didn't want to hear any more from me. But somehow, someway I got through. He just couldn't let go. I don't know if he just didn't want to be alone again or if he really did love me and just couldn't stand to see me walk away one last time. I told him what he needed to hear even though I knew it would be months before he would see a change in me especially since my new meds weren't working. I didn't care. I was able to stay. Mission accomplished.

I headed into the bathroom to wipe my tears away and my heart sank. The words...they were gone. I had it in my head that everything would always be ok with us as long as those words remained on the mirror. They weren't there. Do I say something to him? Do I act like I don't care that they are gone? Do I freak out? My head was fucking with me again. I couldn't let go of the thought that I had lost him. Even though we just worked things out 5 minutes ago I knew he was gone.

I walked out to the living room and he was washing dishes at the sink. I decided to just hold onto him for as long as he would let me. I put my arm around him from behind and kissed his back. But something was different. Sounds silly to say this but his few strands of back hair were missing. Not a chance he got those himself. "What happened to that back hair you asked me to pull," the tone in my voice was not kind. "My ex pulled them for me."  He said it like it was no big deal. "How did that happen?" "When she came over to get the kids I took off my shirt, laid down and told her to pull my back hair out." Are you fucking kidding me? "You asked your ex to do it? The same woman you can't even say hello to when she comes in your home?" He could have cared less. He didn't see the issue, in fact he told me how much I was blowing it out of proportion. Our happy time after our last fight lasted about 15 minutes before this one hit. I slept on the couch. Actually I laid on the couch debating if I should just end my sadness and just leave.

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
~Gotye

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Can you say "stalker"

July, 2009

The dreaded July 4th picnic has come and gone.  It killed me not to be there and I spent the day alone thinking about where I wanted to be.  I'm back on a dating site...basically because Evan is also.  He calls and texts when he wants sex and that's about it.  I always accept the invitation because it's the only hope I have to hold onto.  Maybe, just maybe this will be the time when he will say we can try again.  That never came.  I'm going out on random dates with guys from the site but I always compare them to Evan.  Then it happened...the date that brought a "crazy" into my life.

Kevin seemed like a decent enough guy.  He lived in Wyomissing so I agreed to meet him at a restaurant in the area.  Dinner was good but conversation and attraction were lacking.  I knew halfway through the dinner that I would be heading home afterwards.  As we walked to our cars I told him that I wasn't really "feeling it" and that maybe we would just be better off as friends.  Luckily he agreed and said that he was attracted to me and thought I had a great personality but if I wasn't into him than he wouldn't pursue it.  I told him to contact me if he wanted to hang sometime and with that we parted ways.  I watched a little tv at home then headed for bed.

Next day I woke up to a text from Kevin

Jennifer, I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I couldn't stop thinking about you.  Do you think that we could try one more date?
 
Ugh!
 
Hey Kevin.  I'm sorry, I would rather just be friends.
 
His reply was quick
 
OK, I understand.  I can deal with being friends.
 
Two hours passed
 
Jennifer, I really think we could work this out.  I really think you are the one.
 
Are you fucking kidding me?  One dinner and I'm the one?  I'm so not in the mood for this shit.
 
Sorry Kevin.  Seems like you can't really handle being friends.
 
As the week went on Kevin thought it would be better if he left me multiple voicemail messages proclaiming his love and plans for our future together.  The text messages always followed the voicemail.  By Wednesday I had enough...it was time to block his number.  Of course, it costs money to have that extra feature added to your phone plan and money was something I didn't have to waste.  Didn't matter...this needed to be done.  Thursday was calm without his constant contact.  Friday was better because I picked up my kids.  I never went out on the weeks I had my kids so it was a good week for me.  The distraction always helped.
 
Friday night was movie night for me and the kids.  We would pick out a movie, make popcorn, turn all the lights out in the living room and cuddle on the couch.  We had just started watching the movie when I saw flashlights on my porch.  I told the kids not to move.  My doorbell rang.  I was scared to death to open the door but when I did I was shocked at what I saw...2 police officers.  "Are you Jennifer XXXXXXXXX?" "Yes," I replied.  "Do you know Kevin XXXXXXXXX?"  "Yes," I said with a shitty look on my face.  "Kevin called 911 and asked for us to check on you to make sure you were ok.  He said you weren't responding to his text messages and his calls.  Ma'am, are you ok?"  My mouth dropped open, my eyes got big.  "Yes, I'm fine.  I'm watching a movie with my kids."  They flashed their lights in the door and peaked around the corner to see the kids. "Kevin has requested a call back to let him know that you are ok.  We will not be calling him back."  It was obvious the cops had a clue what was going on.  "No, please don't call him.  Does he know where I live?"  "No, he said he called 911 because he only knew your city, name and phone number."  Oh thank God this crazy doesn't know where I live.  "Ma'am, is everything ok? Anything we need to know about?"  "No, everything is fine.  I went on a date with the guy and he wouldn't leave me alone so I had to block his number."  "We understand.  We will make a note that if he calls us again we will be sure to show up at his door instead of yours."  Big Smile!  "Thank you."
 
True freakin' story...only me.  I hate this dating shit. 
 
 
 I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes

While, she's deceiving me,
It cuts my security (has)
she got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades; oh no
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades;
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
You got it made with the guy in shades; oh no

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Forget my name while you collect your claim
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
See the light that's right before my eyes

While she's deceiving me,
she cuts my security (has)
She got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades (oh no)
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
(cuz) You got it made with the guy in shades (oh no)

While she's deceiving me,
she cuts my security (has)
She got control of me
I turn to her and say

Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades (oh no)
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades
(oh no) (I can't believe it)
don't be afraid of the guy in shades
(oh No) (It can't escape you)
(cus) You got it made with the guy in shades (oh no)

I said
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night

I say to ya now
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night

I cry to you
I wear my sunglasses at night
I wear my sunglasses at night
~Corey Hart
 


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression

I can't say the suicide of Robin Williams surprises me.  Anyone who has or had severe depression knows exactly how he must have been feeling when all hope was lost, when his head got the best of him, when there seemed like no other answer.  I was going to stray from my recent book posts to write about my depression but I think this is the perfect time to tie it all together.  Depression comes in many forms and I have been through a lot of them.

My kids were young, my daughter still in a high chair.  Our family dog was just diagnosed with Cancer.  My husband was at a Company meeting and I was feeding the kids dinner.  Typical evening, nothing out of the ordinary except my head.  This would be the first time I can remember feeling hopeless and letting the thoughts in my head take over.  I couldn't stop crying.  Both of the kids were fighting with each other at the table, neither would eat, dog was sick, husband wasn't home and all I wanted to do was run.  I seriously thought about leaving the kids at the kitchen table, grabbing my keys and never looking back.  I had never felt this way before.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, but I knew that I couldn't let the thoughts control me.  I reached for the phone and called my family doctor.  The office was closed but the answering service said they would have the on-call Doctor call me back.  I sat by that phone waiting for it to ring while rocking back and forth on a kitchen chair.  I didn't say anything, just cried while listening to the kids yell and cry.  They were right next to me but seemed so far away.  The phone rang.

"This is Dr. XXXX, how can I help you?"
I was crying so hard it took everything I had to make out a sentence, "I don't feel right.  In my head.  I want to run."
"OK, is anyone with you?"
"Just my two kids."
"Do you have anyone you can call to come over?"
"No, I feel so alone.  I want to run away."
"Do you feel like you may harm yourself or others?"
"No, I just want to run away."
"Do you feel that you need me to call an ambulance to come get you?"
"I don't want to be my mother."
That's what it was.  I had grown up in a home where my mother suffered from severe depression.  I had convinced myself that I was turning into her.  I didn't want that.
"OK, ma'am if you think you can calm yourself down, I will call the office and leave a message for them to call you tomorrow to set up an appointment."

With that I hung up the phone.  I wondered why he couldn't help me right then.  Why would he wait until tomorrow.  Didn't he care about me?  Didn't he care about my kids?

I called my husband.
"I need you to come home.  It's an emergency."
"Is everything alright?  What's going on?"
"It's me, I need you to come home and watch the kids.  Somethings wrong with me."
"OK, I'm leaving now."

He came home, I barely talked and went to bed.

I did go see the Doctor the next day and that's when they prescribed medication for my "head issues".  It takes a little bit of time for them to get in your system and start working but when they do, they are a blessing.  Right after they started working my daughter was diagnosed with Cancer.  I believe the incident that evening happened so I could get on the meds and give them enough time to get in my system and start working.  I would hate to think how I would have dealt with that situation if I wasn't receiving help with my bad thoughts in my head.

I always know when my medication stops working and needs to be increased or changed but once and awhile I think I'm ok and take myself off my meds or just get sick of taking them. Right before I started dating Evan I knew my meds weren't working properly.  They were doing an ok job but I could tell in my head that I wasn't rational.  But, I had found someone that I was looking for, someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  He was perfect and I didn't want him to think I wasn't.  So, I downplayed my issues.  I didn't get my meds adjusted, I didn't see a doctor, I didn't see a counselor, I did nothing...except let bad thoughts in my head get in the way.  Some days I wouldn't even get out of bed and other days I would just cry by myself because I knew I wasn't even giving our relationship a chance if I wasn't honest with him about my depression and I certainly wasn't being honest with myself if I wasn't doing something about it.

As our relationship went on, I know I got worse.  I'm pretty sure he figured out that I was fucked in the head but what he probably didn't know was that all I had to do was change my medicine. I wanted off my medicine so badly.  I wanted to pretend that I wasn't my mother and that I didn't need help.  My fucked up head is what lead to my lies, my lack of emotional attachment, my life changing event on that airplane, my losing him.  It happened two specific times...once in NYC and once in Vegas.  I casually called him by him ex-husbands name.  Not during sex or anything like that, just casually in conversation.  He was actually ok with it because he recognized that I had been with that man for 17 years so this was all new to me.  The problem was my head.  I couldn't stop punishing myself in my head for doing that.  In NYC it was touch and go...he just wanted to turn around and go home, then we stayed and ended up having a beautiful trip (after we got passed the fight).  But, it never left my head...it was early in our relationship and early during my med issues so I was able to fight the thoughts and move past.  Not completely past it because I would beat myself up over it for the entire trip.  The second incident didn't end as well.  In Vegas I did the same thing.  Again, after it happened and we got in the car he tried talking to me about it, tried holding my hand, tried being playful but I couldn't let it go.  My med issue was at a peak during this trip.  One day I would be ok and wouldn't let negative thoughts take over and other days I couldn't shake them.  When we would be around other people I would act like everything was fine because I didn't want them to see my weaknesses but I was way past hiding them from Evan.  He knew them.  He knew I was fucked in the head.  That incident turned into a very large incident only because I wouldn't let it go.  I'm not going to write down all the specifics of what happened to me but I can tell you that the brain is a powerful organ.  My brain and my negative thoughts combined with stress and anxiety caused my body to shut down...on the flight home.  It wasn't my finest hour(s) and it did change my life forever.  After we arrived home I started treatment and the first thing they did was change my medications.  The new medications didn't work but I didn't want to tell Evan that.  I knew it was going to be a struggle to find the right balance of meds for me and I also knew that my time with Evan was now limited.  I didn't want him to have to wait for me to fix myself.  Honestly, that's exactly what I should have done.  I think if I were honest with him about what I needed to happen to make myself better things might have ended differently but that's all in the past and nothing I can do about it now.

It wasn't until somewhat recently that I finally figured out my med situation for my depression and anxiety.  I'm currently on one medication but I alternate dosage day by day.  It works perfectly for me.  I do have issues when I let my meds run out and think that I can rule the world without them but I know that I can't let that happen to me anymore.  I'm not a bad person and I'm a better person when I receive the help I need from my medication. I am loving and able to be loved.  I am beautiful inside and out and I'm ok if I need the medication to be that person I know I can be.

I'm happy with myself.  I'm happier with myself now than I was before I was ever on medication.  I'm living my life, feeling young, feeling beautiful, feeling grateful.  I'm finally being me and yes, I'm medicated.


~Jen

Monday, August 11, 2014

Always something there to remind me

Days, weeks, months, years rolled on and I still am not able to shake the time I spent with Evan. Something or someone is always around to remind me. I went to a wedding and at the reception a drunk guy said to me, "I know you. Didn't you date Evan?" "Yes," I replied. "I heard some shit about you," he said as he was slurring his words. All I could do was walk away. Ruined the rest of my night. One morning I was on Facebook and got this strange message:

Jennifer, 
You don't know me but I am friends with Nicole, Evan's girlfriend. I've heard a lot of bad things about you from Evan and Nicole but I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to ask for your help and/or advice. A few of Nicole's friends are worried for her. We don't like Evan, we don't understand why she's with someone so old, we don't like the way he talks to her. We are scared for her safety. We want to get her out but she is a little too comfortable with the lifestyle he is able to give her and her girls. I don't know if what they have said about you is true, all I know is that you got out and I'm asking how you did it. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? What the fuck do I do with this crap? Alright, I'll reply...

Although I'm not interested in knowing what they have said about me, some I've heard, but I'm sure most of it is true. I wasn't the type of person that wanted to even be friends with myself. I only have two things to offer...1. Lie to him. He won't stand for it, especially after our relationship or 2. Tell her to bring home a cat. I loved cats and he told me if I ever brought one home that he would kill the cat and kick me out. Other than that, I can't help you. I'm sorry for Nicole, but happy she has friends that would go to these lengths to try and help her. 

The reply was quick

Thank you for the information but I don't think either will work. Nicole would never lie, she's too nice of a person and she already took home a cat, 5 of them in fact (kittens). Anything else?

Well I'll be damned!

The cat thing really surprises me but that's a good thing. Maybe he has changed since I knew him. I'm sorry I have nothing more to offer and you probably shouldn't contact me again. I'm sure Nicole would not be happy. 

This friend didn't write me again. But another one of her friends did contact me later. It never goes away...

I walk along the city streets, you used to walk along with me
And every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling how it felt to kiss and hold you tight
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go and I'll be there
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me 'cause there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

~Naked Eyes

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I'm the only one...

The days are long and the nights are longer.  I swear I'm going out of my mind seeing him with someone else.  All the steps forward I had taken are gone.  I'm starting counseling again.  I don't like the feelings that are taking over me.  I can't seem to let him go.  I've done so much wrong...shit, I pretty much did our entire relationship wrong.  I can say a thousand times that I've changed and things would be different but words are words and he's tired of hearing them.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I have so many feelings and they are all overwhelming right now.

I want to feel him so deep in me that I can feel it in my stomach.  I want his eyes on me, his hands, his body.  I need him...I crave him.  This is so much deeper than love.  It's like nothing I've ever felt before and probably never will again.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Please baby can't you see
My mind's a burnin' hell
I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin' like something
That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see
I'm trying to explain
I've been here before and I'm locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won't make
it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one
~Melissa Etheridge