Monday, February 27, 2012

A Lost Life...

I'm going to talk about something that I can relate to first hand.  Low self esteem and severe anxiety.  I was diagnosed years ago with depression and severe anxiety attacks.  I've been medicated for many, many years.  Some medications have worked and some have definitely not worked.  The people that have always been close to me know when I'm not taking my meds or when they might need to be adjusted.  It's that noticeable.  David will sometimes say as a joke, "Did you take your meds today?"  It's a very real problem for me.  I've done years and years of counseling for my issues and have made gigantic leaps.  I don't have any friends that suffer the same as I do so I don't have anyone that can really relate to what I feel sometimes.  I am at the point right now where I can tell my meds have not been working for about a month now.  I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do, I"m saying things I wouldn't normally say and my emotions have been all over the place.  I recently made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my medication because it's become very obvious to the people around me that something is waaaaay off right now.

I decided to search on-line to see what others felt.  I feel like I'm the only one living this way.  I was "happy" to see that I'm really not.  Here are some things that others wrote.  I will add at the end of the statement how I can relate to them:


Murray's research into the attitudes and behaviors of married and single couples has found that partners with low self-esteem often sabotage their own relationships. In a sense, they "create" the very situations they fear most.
I can absolutely relate to this one.  Although this was much worse for me years ago, I would create an issue out of absolutely nothing to pick a fight.  I would do this over and over and over until the person on the receiving end just couldn't take it anymore.

Murray's research in the Journal of Personal Relationships and the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology warns that low self-esteem may cause a sensitive and insecure individual to read incorrect meanings into ambiguous cues given by their partners. The behavior that follows provokes the very relationship outcomes they want to avoid.
Again, simple things your partner does and things they say mean absolutely nothing...but to a person with low self esteem it's a whole different scene.

Unfortunately, such problems can be found not only in new relationships, but can extend into those that have continued for many years. Murray found that even after 10 years of marriage, people with low self-esteem tend to think their partners love them less than they really do.
It really doesn't matter how much your partner loves you and shows you and tells you, a person with low self esteem will ALWAYS think they aren't loved and aren't meant to be loved.

Here was a comment under the article I read:

This helped me understand myself better. I never realized until I read it that i do things like start a fight because I think my boyfriend doesn't love me or I don't matter to him. I'm constantly afraid he's cheating even though he is completely loyal. Part of me believes I deserve it, becuase I don't deserve a guy as amazing as him. He's stood by me through so much and I'm afraid that he's going to get sick of it and realize how much better he can do. I always feel like I'm not good enough for him. And when we fight he sometimes calls me needy and self absorbed and it hurts because I know it's true.
How do I stop it? How do I trust that someone can love me?
I have been in her shoes.  It's a hard life to live.

Low self esteem in a dating relationship becomes a sort of a push-pull: the person suffering from low self esteem has convinced themselves that they aren't lovable, yet attempts are made to get the person they are dating to try and prove otherwise. This is a potentially self-defeating, demoralizing and damaging state of affairs, and one that may repeat until the person afflicted chooses to do something about it.
The person with low self esteem with push and push and push by causing fights just so they can make sure the other person loves them enough to stay with them.  Ultimately pushing so far will result in that person leaving.  It's a neverending battle.

Here is another comment from the article:

"hello there. I'm 34 and first time i my life i have a great boyfriend.before this i had too many relationship but none of them worked. i always felt anxious while I'm in a relationship. always feeling like something bad is going to happen soon.he is going to dump me, he is going to stop loving me, he is going to cheat on me etc.other issues i can handle easily.job,friends,family issues are all OK.i had badly panic attacks before but all has gone or i should say i learn how to cope with attacks.
but when its come to love everything changes.we're together for approx. 6 months and everything is just so great while im with him.he shows too much attention just like i do.this is the first time i feel i am with the guy i should be with.buttttt when i leave him to go to work or go to my home then things starts changing in my mind.i am starting to think that he will change his mind and will not love me.if he doesn't call for 2 hours i am starting to worry that he forget me.while i am talking with him i am already starting to wonder when he is going to call me again.if he's busy or tired i am thinking that he is bored because of me.he wants to break up with me but he can't tell me.i am constantly thinking stuff like these and its really disturbing.i have things to do at work, i have friends to see and pay some attention, i know i have a life just i had before him but i don't want to deal with anything else rather than him. it's not healthy i know.but i just wanted to know if you people feel the same things? is it my anxiety causes me to feel this way or is it something like the 6th sense and i am feeling right about my worries.does anxiety make people feel these things which doesn't have to be true? i always promise myself to not to ask him the question "are you ok?" do you love me? do you still love me because its been 10 minutes last time you have said and maybe you have changed your mind while i was taking a shower hahaha.
i am laughing to myself but in a way i feel sorry for myself.those are not easy feelings to cope with and i am afraid of losing him because of my stupid attitude in this relationship."

It really only does take a matter of 10 minutes for panic to set into your thoughts.  Why aren't they responding, why haven't they held my hand, why haven't they smiled at me, why haven't they talked to me.  Nothing is ever wrong but these thoughts go through your head.  Being away from the other person was always the hardest for me.  Constant thoughts would run through my head...what is he doing?  Where is he?  Why isn't he texting me?  Why isn't he calling me?  It's such a hard thing to explain if you can't relate.

OK...so here's where I am now.  My meds are not working properly and I don't take them like I should everyday.  I am going to the Doctor this week so hopefully that will all get back to normal.  But, in the meantime I struggle with my thoughts.  I absolutely know right from wrong...but can I doing the right thing?  Most of the time, yes.  Sometimes, no.  When I'm doing something wrong, I know I'm doing wrong but your head doesn't let you stop.  Then you deal with the guilt of what you have done.  BUT does having these issues give me the right to do the wrong thing and then try and rationalize with the other person saying, "but it's my head", "but my meds are working properly".  STRUGGLE.  Because I know right from wrong, this answer to me is NO, absolutely not!  This is not an acceptable excuse.  BUT it ultimately is true.  This disease will make you do things you never want to do. This disease will eat at you until you finally make sure you don't deserve to be loved.

Let me clear one thing up though...low self esteem is not what most people think it is.  It's not that I think I'm unattractive.  For me, it has nothing to do with looks, but has everything to do with what's going on inside.

I'm a much better person than I was a few years ago, but recent events have made me slip down a path that I swore I would never go again.  It's so incredibly hard because I know what I should do, but my head just won't allow me to do it.  I'm praying that the doctor can help me.  I need to get back on track...quickly.




~Jen

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hypocrite

I am very anti-smoking and anti-drugs.  I tried pot when I was like 13 and it did absolutely nothing so I never did it again.  Here's what I don't understand...what about the people that are like me when it comes to smoking and drugs but yet they go to the bar, get drunk and then drive home?  I don't give a f*ck if you are driving 1 minute to your house...1 minute is enough time to kill yourself and possibly others when you are driving drunk.  When I go out it is always decided ahead of time who will be drinking and who will be driving.  Never do we sway from our choice and everyone gets home safe.  I hate when a friend calls me up or texts me and says they are out and are drunk.  I always ask if they have a ride home and are safe.  Usually it's the same answer, "Nah, I'm ok."  Bull shit!  You think you may be ok but you aren't and God be with you if you take someone elses life because of your stupidity.

I had a friend a few years back that was going through AA and I was his support person.  When he felt down and needed to talk or when he felt like he wanted to drink, he would call me.  I was his voice of reason.  I am so proud that he had chosen me to be the one to lean on.  I did a wonderful job and looked out for this guy like he was my son.  I believe that people come into your life for a very specific reason.  Now that he is through the treatment and doing great, he doesn't contact me anymore.  I was shocked when our friendship ended but at the same time I like to think that I served my purpose in his life when it was needed the most.  I do still pray for him and hope that he is well.

I was never a big drinker.  I never did the bar scene and I never really went drinking when I turned 21.  I didn't really start to "drink" until after I got divorced.  I dated a guy that had alcohol in the house at all times and he drank regularly.  That was very different for me and I did find myself drinking more during that time of my life.  I was also very depressed with incredibly low self esteem which didn't help with the drinking :(  Now I will have 1 or 2 drinks when I go out with friends but I don't drink to get drunk.  I am almost always the driver so it's not even an option.  I did get drunk the other week but I was not the driver and WOW it has been a loooooong time since I was like that.

I remember a time when I was younger and I went to Pizza Hut with my parents for dinner.  My dad ordered one beer.  I remember the glass was really tall.  He drank that one beer and then we got in the car to drive home.  I put up the biggest stink EVER in the car.  I was pissed and lecturing him because he had a beer and was driving us home.  Looking back now I know that he was perfectly fine to drive but I was devastated at the time thinking he was putting us all at risk by driving.

Please be responsible.  If you are going to drink...fine.  But be an adult about it.  Call someone to come get you or call a cab.  So what you have to go back the next day to get your car.  At least you will know that you made it home safe and sound and so did everyone else in your path.


~Jen