Monday, January 16, 2012

Is It Time For Bed Yet?

Here's something you may not know about me...I suffer from severe anxiety and depression.  My severe anxiety attacks have been under control for years now and I feel good about being able to control this issue.  I haven't had an "attack" in about 3 years now.

Depression.  If you have never suffered from depression you absolutely will not be able to relate to this post.  You can try all you want to relate and understand but you just can't.  For me, depression is this overwhelming weight felt on my head and my heart.  Sometimes I know what is making me sad but a greater part of the time I don't.  I have no energy, I feel useless, hopeless, unloved and unable to complete a single task.  Usually with my depression it is very hard for me to get out of bed and even deal with the day.  I haven't had this happen to me for a few years...until this morning.  Yesterday was a strange day for me...I seemed to be all over the place.  I was happy, sad, cocky, funny, loving, hating...all rolled up into this little package.  David wasn't really sure what direction to go.  I was pretty sure a good nights sleep would do the trick until I opened my eyes this morning.  My day felt like shit even before it started.  I didn't go to work and I was pretty sure that I wasn't even going to get out of bed.  To round out this shitty start to my day, I was 100% sure one of Haley's new lizards had died AND I picked a fight with David.  Yup...makes for a beautiful day!  I went back to sleep.  I officially woke up at 12 and again thought about not getting up.  I did though.  For someone with depression...this is HUGE.  To actually force yourself out of the bed and try and complete some tasks is really big.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way today.  I picked a fight with David about sex but I'm pretty sure that's not the reason I'm feeling this way today.  I got a shower.  Yup...simple task but not when you suffer from depression.  I actually surprised myself that I did this.  It didn't help because the whole time I was in there I was thinking...I wish I had a fucking soaking tub.  Whatever.  I went downstairs also.  Another giant step taken.  I decided to make some cake pops (not for an order, just to keep myself doing something).  So, now it's 3:30 and I'm functioning but the weight of my brain is overwhelming.  I don't have many days like this and David cannot relate so when they hit, it's a big deal.  For the first time I contemplated taking 2 of my pills instead of my normal 1 just to try and get me out of this funk.  I didn't because I was too afraid of what might happen to me.  I feel like I could just go back to bed and go to sleep and be just fine with it.  I'm actually dreading when the family comes home this evening.  I don't want to have the interaction with anyone.  I just want to be alone.  I already warned David not to touch me. Ha! 

Anyway...my arguements with David are very short-lived.  I'm not concerned about the one this morning AND the freakin' lizard is still alive.  I hate that damn thing for tricking me!

PS...mom and dad...don't call me...I'm fine and I don't want to talk.

~Jen

1 comment:

  1. I am praying for you. Sending love. SO glad about the lizard being alive : ) HA HA HA!

    ReplyDelete