Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Forgiveness

Such a hard thing to do...forgive.  Can you forgive someone that has wronged you?  I have learned to do this.  I can't/won't walk around with hatred for someone.  This is absolutely the only blog in which I will somewhat go into detail about this subject...

I had a relationship in which the person loved me very much and I took that love and gave nothing in return but lies.  I continued to lie and break this man's heart over and over and over.  This person does hate me...I know this because of the things he has said to me..."You are the biggest mistake of my life", "You make me physically ill" (that was my favorite), "There is no distance great enough that could be between us", etc...I absolutely recognize that I was a horrible person towards him and I also don't ever expect to receive his forgiveness even though I have gotten myself counseling and have changed from the person he knew.  I tried for a very long time to let him know I had changed just to receive his forgiveness and then I thought about it this way...

Years ago this guy that I was dating went through an extremely rough time himself.  He was getting divorced, lost his job, didn't have a place to stay, filed bankruptcy, owed the IRS, etc...  He was in a bad place in his life and one day a kid pulled out in front of him and cut him off while he was driving.  My ex followed this kid to his destination, which happened to be a college parking lot, blocked his car in and when the kid got out of the car...he beat the crap out of him.  He then got back into his car and drove away...nothing followed.  So, I'm thinking that he was in a bad place in his life, people do bad things at this point and he would never even consider doing something like this ever again.  I know this...but the kid he beat the crap out of doesn't.  I bet if he ever saw the kid again...the guy would still be pissed, would still want revenge, would still hate him for doing what he did to him and wouldn't believe my ex if he told him that he had changed and would never do it again.  It was a personal attack...why should he forgive him. 

This is exactly how I rationalize the fact that he will never forgive me.  I hurt him so deep with my lies that I don't ever expect him to accept my change.  I know now (years later) that it's ok if someone out there thinks badly of me or hates me for what I have done.  I know who I am, I accept my mistakes that I have made in the past and I have apologized to myself and to him for these mistakes.  I have FORGIVEN myself and that is the ONLY person that I need forgiveness from.


~Jen

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