When all you want to hear is...I still love you.
When what you hear is...I really did love you.
Are you sad? No. You're just happy to at least hear him say I love you in any form just one more time.
I spent many hours in therapy always asking the same question...why do I still love him? Not one of the many counselors have ever been able to make me believe what they thought to be the reason. Then I reconnect with a girlfriend from back in the day. We start hanging out more. We start opening up more. We start telling our inner most secrets. We start giving advice. And then it happens. She says something to me that just clicks. She says something to me that just makes sense. She says something to me that no one else has ever said to me before.
Me: "Why do I still love him so much?"
Her: "You don't. You love the idea of him you have created in your mind. Sure you may be physically attracted to him but you aren't in love with him. You are in love with the 'what if' and that 'what could have been' and the 'what would it be like now' scenario. That's all."
She's so right. She's so exactly right!! I was in love with him back then or at least I wanted to be. I wasn't mentally capable of being able to love anyone at the time though. I hated myself. I had to learn to love myself first. So now that I have accepted myself I think about what it would be like to date him now. Would it be different now that I'm different? That's the idea in my head that I'm in love with. I like to think yes. Absolutely yes.
When I spoke with him again he mentioned over and over again that he forgave me for everything that happened. I believed him at first because I wanted to but here's how I know that he hasn't forgiven me. I casually told him that if I find myself single again one day to let me down gently if I ask him on a date. He immediately went on the defensive and begged me not to do that. Stating over and over that we were toxic together and we wouldn't be good together and we didn't make a good couple and he wasn't willing to put himself out there again. This is how I know he didn't forgive me at all. This is how I know he didn't believe that I had become a better person.
Monday, February 15, 2016
I knew this was going to happen. I knew I would either lose my job or have my hours cut. I'm sick and although I've been providing doctors notes, they have to do what they have to do. I got my hours cut. I'm not really sure how I'm going to survive. I really wish I had someone just to hug me and tell me it will all be ok but I don't. Very alone. Very ill. It's all happening just like she said it would and I'm scared to death.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Well, I had my MRI and received the results. Let's just say...they aren't good. I'm sick. I'm very sick and it's most likely going to get worse. When I found out I cried, and not because I will need to fight for my health, but because I was alone and had no one to hug and hold me tight and tell me they will be with me to fight. This is the most alone I have ever felt in all my life. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I have to keep positive and keep my head up. I'm just saying, it would be an incredible feeling to have someone tuck me in at night, kiss my forehead and say, "I love you". I will forever miss that feeling. I can't even be with my kids because I'm not strong enough to take care of them. Thank goodness I have a great relationship with their dad. I'm sure it's not making his wife happy that he's trying to help me. I haven't said anything to my parents and I don't really plan on it. They will recognize my illness soon enough. I just wish I had a strong man by my side to be my rock and my support. I'm sick. My health is failing me. I'm alone. I don't even have a man friend I could ask just to hold me. I got rid of all my male friends a long time ago. I wish I had a friend. I wish I had someone that would just hold me. That's my wish. I wish someone could make my wish come true...